Monday, January 30, 2006 I'm very angry lately... as usual I find myself completely isolated by my moods.. I'm just too miserable to trust anyone or even be around anyone without thinking of how much I don't want to be around them. Mind you I feel like this all the time.. but now, it's really obvious to me and i"m afriad to them as well.
I understand that deep down I like to watch people but I'm completely dsyfunctional at being a part of anything without feeling like I can't commit to the demands.. I just want to be there without being there.. you know? like a ghost?
So, I'm frustrated, angry and feeling very out of control. I called in sick for two days. I need the time. They might fire me, but don't I always feel like they're about to anyway? I figure if I'll be fired in March I might as well take it easy and not stress about work. But not my focus has shifted from stressing about work to stressing about life. i.e. how will I pay the bills without work, will I find more work? How can I make a better choice about work next time, will I ever move from this friggin city? will I ever be happy about where I am in life? Have I really accepted my place in the world..
Aside from work and life there is my constant battle to understand my family and friends.. I don't trust any of them.. I always think there is a motive. It's true I think everybody is using me, I think I'm unimportant.. that makes me sad.. I feel I could disappear and no one would really remember me. One second I'm okay with it and the next second I cry. Who knows really.. I certainly am in the dark about it all. I just can't bring myself to be who I want.. I can't trust anybody in my life.. in fact no one really knows me now because I don't talk to anyone like I probably should.. I just feel like I want to be left alone.. I want to go somewhere and really be happy and lonely and alone and without any burdens.. I always say pain is loyal.. I feel noone or nothing is.. not even dreams and ambitions and hopes.. they can disappear or be shaped by things you have no control over? so what do you REALLY have in the end? no people, no hopes, no ambitions, no dreams, no money, nothing. just nothing. not even you.
Well, back in reality before I lose myself in my own misery, I have to solve this stupid issue of my career. I want to quit but with that I have to worry about EI.. can I get on? it's all so complicated now.. I can't even fucking quit my fucking job without worrying about paper work!! So, I have to decide.. I won't do it today or maybe even this week but I will slowly look into it.. as I look for another job. Also, it dawned on me that when I have nothing I can still have faith in God... andbelieve me, aside from a constant feeling of exhaustion, faith is the only thing to balance out the feeling of dread I have about me lately. I felt, how can I quit this job when Ihave nothing to turn to.. and my angel whispered... you can by having faith.. I smiled to myself.. couldn't believe I had forgotten.. is it all a test from God? hahaha I'm a bigger fool than I thought.. maybe God isn't so bothered with me anyway? and maybe it's a big pointin my life to see if all he's given me in the past was not wasted and that I can really appreciate from where my past blessings have flowed. and that in this dark, dark, dark time I can once again put my Faith in him, in the light, and with him I'll find my way.
Not sure if this shit is true or not but why not support. And everyone knows I love Jamie Foxx long time
NBC is not doing any marketing & publicity on Jamie's Music Special on NBC because he stood his ground and wouldn't have any white guest as they requested. To make it even worse he had two controversial guest stars, that do not fit the "NBC profile" on his show. Tune in to find out who they are. They are purposely putting his show up against the second week of American Idol in hopes that it will fail. This will give them the excuse to never give another black person a music special because "it doesn't work". Let's show them that it does work, and that we support each other. Tivo Idol, and watch Jamie. I saw the taping, it is a good show. J Foxx making history on NBC. This is the first time NBC has ever aired an entire young urban African American cast on a music special. We need to show support. This was not an easy sell for Jamie and he stood his ground to make it happen the way he saw fit. JAMIE FOXX MUSIC SPECIAL WILL BROADCAST WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 25TH @ 8:00PM PST on NBC.
Personally I think TV studio's are souless ( but not necessarily without an agenda ) money hungry whores who will do and show anything for a buck. So I don't believe this rumour.. why wouldn't they want to milk the very fat Jamie Foxx cow while?? I mean there is so much mroe to gain, who cares if it's all black?? Maybe I'm naive but it is what it is.. so watch the show eitherway I knwo it will be hot.. I heard he killed it..
Wednesday, January 18, 2006 Well, seems like I'm still employed. WIll gab about my feelings on that tomorrow. But for now, I'm glad, sad and somewhat insulted. I ripped apart my official letter of feedback or I would have typed out some of the better parts for y'all.. but fuck it all.. I'm going to do me.. I'm so tired of trying to be someone else! to much damn work!
Man, I'm in love with Buffie the body!!! She totally son'd this fool! Why do men hate successful women? And think they're so freaking smart and a big booty equals zero brains.. I love this chick! That's how women should handle these haterzzz
A man with purpose and passion is truly unstoppable.. when you are so driven you believe it must be destiny and that nothing can stop you? I used to feel that way a lot.. I'm currently lost in the woods.. maybe that's why MLK day today really resonated with me. Although I'm not American or African-American for that matter, I don't need this day to appreciate him at all, I own his speeches, have read a lot, visited his grave, his bouse and the baptist church he ran in Atlanta.. I've always been intrigued.. But this year, perhaps it is because I lack a vision of my own that today really means more than it ever has.
This is a good excerpt... it's like some people are so in TUNE with their purpose they truly have no fear of anything on earth... I know when he got stabbed that he knew it wasn't time.. not God's time.. God doesn't make mistakes they say so we can't regret his assasination because maybe, just maybe, it was all part of the divine plan.
You know, several years ago, I was in New York City autographing the first book that I had written. And while sitting there autographing books, a demented black woman came up. The only question I heard from her was, "Are you Martin Luther King?"
And I was looking down writing, and I said yes. And the next minute I felt something beating on my chest. Before I knew it I had been stabbed by this demented woman. I was rushed to Harlem Hospital. It was a dark Saturday afternoon. And that blade had gone through, and the X-rays revealed that the tip of the blade was on the edge of my aorta, the main artery. And once that's punctured, you drown in your own blood--that's the end of you.
It came out in the New York Times the next morning, that if I had sneezed, I would have died. Well, about four days later, they allowed me, after the operation, after my chest had been opened, and the blade had been taken out, to move around in the wheel chair in the hospital. They allowed me to read some of the mail that came in, and from all over the states, and the world, kind letters came in. I read a few, but one of them I will never forget. I had received one from the President and the Vice-President. I've forgotten what those telegrams said. I'd received a visit and a letter from the Governor of New York, but I've forgotten what the letter said. But there was another letter that came from a little girl, a young girl who was a student at the White Plains High School. And I looked at that letter, and I'll never forget it. It said simply, "Dear Dr. King: I am a ninth-grade student at the Whites Plains High School." She said, "While it should not matter, I would like to mention that I am a white girl. I read in the paper of your misfortune, and of your suffering. And I read that if you had sneezed, you would have died. And I'm simply writing you to say that I'm so happy that you didn't sneeze."
And I want to say tonight, I want to say that I am happy that I didn't sneeze. Because if I had sneezed, I wouldn't have been around here in 1960, when students all over the South started sitting-in at lunch counters. And I knew that as they were sitting in, they were really standing up for the best in the American dream. And taking the whole nation back to those great wells of democracy which were dug deep by the Founding Fathers in the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution. If I had sneezed, I wouldn't have been around in 1962, when Negroes in Albany, Georgia, decided to straighten their backs up. And whenever men and women straighten their backs up, they are going somewhere, because a man can't ride your back unless it is bent. If I had sneezed, I wouldn't have been here in 1963, when the black people of Birmingham, Alabama, aroused the conscience of this nation, and brought into being the Civil Rights Bill. If I had sneezed, I wouldn't have had a chance later that year, in August, to try to tell America about a dream that I had had. If I had sneezed, I wouldn't have been down in Selma, Alabama, to see the great movement there. If I had sneezed, I wouldn't have been in Memphis to see a community rally around those brothers and sisters who are suffering. I'm so happy that I didn't sneeze.
And they were telling me, now it doesn't matter now. It really doesn't matter what happens now. I left Atlanta this morning, and as we got started on the plane, there were six of us, the pilot said over the public address system, "We are sorry for the delay, but we have Dr. Martin Luther King on the plane. And to be sure that all of the bags were checked, and to be sure that nothing would be wrong with the plane, we had to check out everything carefully. And we've had the plane protected and guarded all night."
And then I got into Memphis. And some began to say that threats, or talk about the threats that were out. What would happen to me from some of our sick white brothers?
Well, I don't know what will happen now. We've got some difficult days ahead. But it doesn't matter with me now. Because I've been to the mountaintop. And I don't mind. Like anybody, I would like to live a long life. Longevity has its place. But I'm not concerned about that now. I just want to do God's will. And He's allowed me to go up to the mountain. And I've looked over. And I've seen the promised land. I may not get there with you. But I want you to know tonight, that we, as a people will get to the promised land. And I'm happy, tonight. I'm not worried about anything. I'm not fearing any man. Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord.
-- Martin Luther King Jr.
MLK is truly what AA ( African-Americans ) need to emulate and keep in their consciousness more than 1 day a year.. aside from civil rights, he was a PhD holder, a nobel prize holder, a minister, a father. A FATHER who educated his children.. that right there takes the cake.. I really hate when AA's go on and on about not having anything and not being able to do anything when here's a man getting by doing God's work in the 50's! and in 2005 we still are dealing with literacy issues, absentee fathers.. and so on.. hopefully his word is not completely lost out there.. this is who AA's should be listening to. Not Kanye West.
Some MLK quotes "Nothing in all the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity." -MLK
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter. " -MLK
"Our scientific power has outrun our spiritual power. We have guided missiles and misguided men. " -MLK
"Never forget that everything Hitler did in Germany was legal. " -MLK
"Life's most persistent and urgent question is, 'What are you doing for others?' " -MLK
"It is not enough to say we must not wage war. It is necessary to love peace and sacrifice for it. " -MLK
"It is incontestable and deplorable that Negroes have committed crimes; but they are derivative crimes. They are born of the greater crimes of the white society." -MLK
"Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step. " -MLK
Sorry but am I the only one who is afraid? like seriously in fear of Apple taking over the world??? Okay I'm exaggerating but what does this mean for PC lovers!!!!!! Intel sucks anyway I own one but I really wanted an AMD based PC.. *sticks tongue out at Intel*
Anyway, I don't technically understand ( basis of all fear ) wether or not this meand we'll now have a Mac that acts like a PC with the sweet mac look? If so, I'm on board but I am NOT paying 3 freaking grand to check my email and surf the internet. Macs cost too much for doing the same shit u get for under a G.
Does this mean we'll just have macs run by Intel that are still completely Mac's? if so then the world is as it should be and hopefully always will be. Half made up of Sane, cool PC users and half of grief-loving mac users... take your pick.
Tuesday, January 10, 2006 I've never felt like a Code Monkey before this job... now, I'm always feeling "somehow" about the environment.. but at the same time stuck because I need cash, too lazy to look for a new gig and I don't want to inconvenience my references with too many job searches! it's exactly 3 months today since I started and I still feel like it's day two.. Like I'm brand new, entirely too many Steve's, Micheals and John's to remember, no one can say my name so I really don't talk to many of "them".
Why do things have to be so hard...??? I'm late a lot ( or at least I used to be before the guy brought it up to me and said I need to stop it basically ) I cried that day not because I was scared of him or of losing the job but because I feel I can't win.. there have been no victories for me lately.. I'm so depressed actually. Don't want to blame it all on the job but lately I've been thinking this is why... I'd love to work my ass off at a job I love, I have in fact worked till I fell asleep! but then there are times when on Monday morning you're a hair away from driving off a cliff and ending it all.. ( just kidding ) there are no cliffs around here anyway.. It's all flat land, everything in canada is big, I'd have to drive for days to fall off this ironing board of a country..
Anyway I came across this while reading some useless junk ( I have to do this everday just to stay awake and alive ) see my 43 things and u'll see one of my goals is to stop messing around on the net but hey, it's still a goal. Anyway this is what I found and this is how I feel exactly! Like a freeking dumb, wooden, puppet monkey:
Hey, Hey we are the Monkees You know we love to please A manufactured image With no philosophys.
We hope you like our story Although there isn't one That is to say there's many That way there is more fun.
You told us you like action And games of many kinds You like to dance we like to sing So let's all lose our minds.
We know it doesn't matter 'Cause what you came to see Is what we'd love to give you And give it one, two, three.
But, it may come three, two, one, two Or jump from nine to five And when you see the end in sight The beginning may arrive.
For those who look for meaning In form as they do fact We might tell you one thing, but we'd only take it back.
Not back like in a box back Not back like in a race Not back so we can keep it, but back in time and space. You say we're manufactured To that we all agree So make your choice and we'll rejoice in never being free.
Hey, Hey we are the Monkees We've said it all before The money's in we're made of tin We're here to give you more. The money's in we're made of tin We're here to give you... *Crash* (Screams)
I actually put the bolded parts in my work signature, a cry against the inequities of having to settle; of how I'm forced to live at work, on the 21st floor of no where, lost in the cold, barren forest of cubicles walkign around with all the vivre of boiled spinach.
I bought flowers the other day to add colour to the world of beige, gray and white people but even they could not survive this soulless existence.. too fragile I'm guessing, I guess that speaks volumes of me, and how flowers refuse to live in a substandard vase when they'd rather be free to grow wild in a garden somewhere.. somewhere without central air and tap water.. that somewhere is foreign to me though, my life is now in a vase everythign is different and I have to find a way to survive through it.. I can't believe how much of a journey life can really be.. there's nothing quite like it, it's like the journey of water from source to sea so many forms and shapes we have to adapt to to get to where we are going.
Wish I had a song to listen to to make me really feel this pain, something to help me reflect on life.. I'm thinking nas's Illmatic it's really a sad album.. I think it will be good for now.
From the first day i saw you boy you know i knew You were made for me and i was made for you So i approached you just to see if you were real Just to say to me boy that you had appeal yeah Spent the night then you were up and on your way I begged and pleaded so you would not go away So then i followed you just to see where you stayed yes I parked my car and stayed there til the break of day I’ve been
(chorus) Driving down the parkway and Parking in your driveway and Peekin through your windows yeah Just to see if you’re alone I’ve been Driving down the parkway and Parking in your driveway and Peekin through your key holes yeah Just to see if you’re alone
Remember when you went out with that other chick… You took her home and then you gave her all my d**k Now i hope you don’t think that you was being slick I’m warning you that i am not your average b***h See you hurt my feelins and you really hurt my pride Cause another b***h was jumpin on my ride So now my feelins for you baby i can’t hide Snuck in you house and in her drink put cyanide
I’ve been (chorus)
Murder they screamed and so to you they put the blame Now off to jail you go now baby that’s shame But all the while you’re screamin that your ass was framed
Should not have fucked with me, cause vengence is my name Well, from the first day i saw you boy you know i knew You wer made for me and i was made for you Now that you know my feelings for you were so true Now and forever my voice will be haunting you…
Loving you is stupid Cause I know that you never really loved me And you never gave me signs Id see That you and me were ever a possibility And I feel so stupid After all the noise you left me lonely to die And you never gave me a reason why And now Im sittin all alone and I cry
Am I stupid I shouldve known you were only playing a game And you and me would never be the same You made me feel like Im the one to blame And I feel so stupid After all those nights after nights that I tried And all those conversations of lies And Im sittin here all alone and Im cryin
Im crying....
I cant believe you never knew how I felt All this love and baby no one else Could ever love me the way that you do Youre all I need and you treated me so wrong And I cant believe it How could you do me like you do Cause Ive been so stupid for you
Why do you do me like you do You baby, You darlin You baby, You darlin You dont care Im stupid baby, Im stupid darlin For you
And Im the one played And Im the one left with all the shame Im stupid baby, Stupid darlin
What is she thinking? It's another JJ and JD hookup also referred to as the "Ciara-BowWow" women should date men in their calibre, or at the very least men who are somewhere in the same height range?? come on!
Another weird one I heard about is: It must be the ass cuz it's not her face.... what's this all about? Sad but I believe this one is true.. it's hard to figure out who's uglier... they deserve eachother.
You can tell she has taste, first Spragga Benz ( who I loved off forever ) and now Tyson Beckford! do your thing fox...
it’s funny I almost did this but obligations to my family just blew this drem out the window… okay so technically I could have the cavalier attitude of my age-mates at work and some of my friends and just leave home but I need them and they need me.. we can’t stand eachother most of the time but hey, that’s what family is all about… lol
anyway this is still a goal.. being Nigerian, I think the easiest way to do this is just to a) runaway or b) find a good paying job on the other side of the world… ps, if you live on the other side of the world ( the warm side preferrably ) can I send you my resume?
Tuesday, January 03, 2006 Lil' Kim's breasts get their own publicist... in attempt to be taken seriously.
How come they're never covered up???? NOTHING stays on this womans breasts, she's a walking wardrobe malfunction.. I'm convinced she's immune to cold drafts of any kind.. either that or she's lost all feeling??? wth?
Biggup to kim.. hear she might be released early! I was going to post her letter to fans but then I figured.. ain't nobody paying my ass.. so fuck it.. you all can google that shit. ttfn
If you want to hear more from Ms Nipple herself, check out the new song: Lil Kim - Whoa it sounds a bit contrived.. but what else is new..? writing your own songs ( that are good and unique and insightful ) is so cliche these days.. plus I'm tired of rappers singing.... next thing Madonna, Paris Hilton and Mary J will be rapping... oh wait, too late!
found the damn letter on my desktop, I'm sure everyone's seen this by now.. but why not.
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"Nothing in all the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity." -MLK
