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Wednesday, January 28, 2004 | My faith, and hard work brought me the dough
That bought me all my fancy things
My crib, my cars, my clothes, my jewels
Look people I done came up but i ain't change.
nah... its not that much dough.. but I just did somethign I couldn't do this time last year.... what a difference a year makes.. or more to the point, what a difference a job makes.. lol
I've applied.. application fee $200... last year I balked.. and lost $20 on the INITIAL fee... wasn't too pleased... I was forced to take two steps back because of that, but I went through with it tonight. If I get approved, that will be my third consecutive step forward toward my goal.. I'm happy.. I'm proud of myself... I'm not saying everything is in place really... just that all the little things I've planned for so long are finlly within reach...
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Friday, January 23, 2004 | This is my right; it is the right of every human being. I choose not the suffocating anesthetic of the suburbs, but the violent jolt of the Capital, that is my choice.
It's been years now, years I've been thinking about moving away from this place... It seems all I had even at my worst, was my freedom.. when I had nothing there was that... that freedom sweetened the hours..
Yet, the older I get the longer it seems.. and what once seems so simple has become tangled and complex.. that when I had nothing to dream about I"d dream of how lucky I was to have nothing... nothing but those dreams. It's funny how you can smile aboutnothing at all! Oh God... the more I live my life here the more that vision is stole, the more obligation clutters my mind... the less these hours are mine..
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Wednesday, January 21, 2004 | all my dreams are mine, and mine alone.
It's a naija thing never to speak when ur angry... or at leastsomethign they try to teach... I guess it's one of those shed blood before you cry type things... I can't say I'm much different today.
I'm really exhausted.. and yes I've been here before and I'll be here for a while yet.. It's 3am now and I've been up since 6am yesterday. i worked, went to school then came home to work. I eat on the road, I don't even know how I do it?
And somehow all that can seem worthwhile and essential because we have hopes and dreams.. and these are what pulls us through these exhaustive years of non-stop struggling.. I'm making moves I can't even keep them straight much less my car.. between handling my cell phone and nursing a serious case of taco-neck while I'm at it, It's damn hard to keep one eye on the road and one on soemthign Ihave to read up on... but like I say its all about goals, and fiath that it will all pay off one day.. so we do, and without complaint.
I'll be the first person to admit that no one I really care about knows much about what my dreams are...my hopes and how I plan to execute them in the coming years.. I don't really know whay that is but it is what it is.. My family, they're happy I'm working hard.. if you ask them to name 2 projects I worked on in my entire life I doubt they could recant... my friend asked me if I'm done school yet the other day... I've been done for over a year now, some of them don't really even ask.. Well, it never bothered me much because for one I don't really believe in freindships.. I don't knwo what came first, my lack of trust in general or my first disastrous experience with a so-called friend.. it could be true that I don't really get close to people and nurture a distrust for many because Ihaven't really seen or been friends with anyone that can be a friend in i's truest terms and live up to it..
I'm sure I'm not the only one who's been disspointed by a wolf in sheeps cloth, and I'm sure I"m not the only one who's has gotten used to the fact that people are shit. and shit to the worst extremes with such perfect timing as to throw you into success or disaster.. who knows.. it's just something we all live with.. it's life. Afterall, if I'm not into the things friends do.. I am all about putting me and mine in a better place, so I'm not going to clubs , nah I can't come hang out..if you wantto talk about the future then I have a few mins but pls don't bitch about some new guy you fucked.. I'm worried about upward mobility.. it just seems so trivial what many call friendships..? like are we friends just to say we are? well I'm sorry I guess that's really not how I see it.. but then again I've always had my own flavour and it's an acquired taste.
And like I said, my dreams are mine and mine alone... not that I don't share.. but It rarely sticks to anyone I talk to or care about that okay.. define her, they talk rubbish, a lot of shit come up with stupid meanings that really aren't based in my reality at all... I just think these things are hwo you know u have someone good in yoru life... that they know what you struggle for everyday, they are with you at ever milestone and there to throw a rope if you get into a pitfall.. Ijust know however bad things get for me, No is never in my vocab... I can be hard and I have been with myself mostly because I know I can be marshmellow soft and that would be the worst thing to be with certain people in yoru life... they willl literraly kill your dreams without taking the time to know you or knwo about you.. after all what's their vested interest..? my dreams aare all mine and I'm the only one that cares.
I'm probably talkign a load of shit.. I get like this.. I think like this... it's 3 28... and by 4am I'll be hard asleep for 2 good hours before I have to wake up again.. chances are it's not enough time to heal from the days dissappointments... not that I ever really do anyway...
on a lighter note:
I donated some money to UNICEF this past month... It's not really a blog-worthy topic I guess, ( I usually like to moan and bitch on here lol ) and I'm sure there a few people out there who make donations when they are able so it's not real biggie.. and that's commendable.. Hoewver this instance was really close to my heart for 2 reasons, when I look for places to give to I never have to look far, my first choice is always UNICEF.. but they have a special campaign right now that is aimed at riasing money to abolish Polio through out the world.. One of those places is nigeria, and other western african countries...
I know sometimes even $50 seems like 50 Mil.. but it's something, WhenI saw my CC bil I was wondering if i made the donation while I was smoking the cheap stuff, but honestly if I'd made the decision even a day later I know it would have been pushed back another few weeks...so I'm glad I did and I encourage anyone else to try... I will be giving for the next 3 months out of every paycheck ( or that's my plan at least ) probably when I make a new design I'll make a permanent link to a charity I'd like to draw attention to.. but for now, this one should touch the hearts of any naija... there's enough suffering to go around 100 fold.. and as much as I moan I probably still don't get my fair share, some might say I have it really good.. so it's nice to think about people who might not have our oppurtunities.. anyway sha.. I'm not really good at a preaching,
the link: http://www.unicef.org/immunization/index_polio.html
when you call ask for that specific "Polio" Campaign..
dig deep! ( wow that's the frist time I've said that with someone else in mind :D:D:D:D )
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Sunday, January 18, 2004 | Look shorty, I don't think you know me.
NaijaCandy's Dead Wrong!!! ( an interpolation )
NaijaCandy smack a bitch in her face
I'll Take her Gucci bag and the Northface off her back
I'll Jab her if she act
Funny wit the money
Oh you got me mistaken honey
I don't want your nigga!
I just want his paper
His Visa. Capisha?
Then, I'm out like the vapors
You can keep your Mr. Macho
I'm the head honcho
Swift fists like who macho?
I got so much style I should be down with the stylistics
Make up to break up?
You bitches need to wake up!
Smell the indonesia, I'll beat you to a seizure
Don't be mad cause he's fucked you to amnesia
He don't remember shit still begging me for two hits
Suckin on my ****
I'll have that nigga beggin for the ****
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Friday, January 16, 2004 | whu'da thunk!
never in my life would I have believed you if you said by 2004 you will be able to survive off less than 8hours sleep... I would have scoffed at the mere though of reducing my beauty sleep to 8 hours much less under 8 hours!
in the past 4 days I've gotten exactly 10 hours of sleep...
I did my hair on Sunday.. go tto bet probably 2am.. woke up as usual at 6... and that's pretty much the longest I've slept since then..
I've always loved and looked forward to friday's even when I didn't work or do shit with my self... but now, I'm waiting on Friday's like a welfare check mehn... I'm happy I have work and all.. but wow I'm reaaaaaaaaaally glad today is that day... I got my first check yesterday... should I share? Hum.. nah.. not a good idea.. but lemme put it this way.. the check was good... nah the check was GREAT.. but it's nothing compared to my weekly thirst for 4:20pm on any given reliefing Friday afternoon.
I don't even mind waking up at 8:30am for my Saturday class because 8:30 is like late morning for me now it doesn't even seem painful and out of the question... trust me I've dropped out of enough Saturday morning classes without even attending a single one...
I love my sleep... It must be what's been keeping me cute all these years because all of a sudden today, I thought I saw bags under my eyes.. I ran to my sis and ttled my head back to see if she sa any shadows... she laughed... but I'm not taking any chances... I doubt me ( or my looks ) could last very long on less than at least 7 hrs...
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Tuesday, January 13, 2004 | missed me?
I know you didddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd! hehehe
Okay I'll stop being obnoxious for a sec...
The gist:
- over quota for two reasons
* stupid paris Hilton blurb I did... who knew so many people were obsessed with the chick! (ugh!)
* not a good idea putting an mp3 up..... but i had to share..
- over quota meant all my shit got deleted so things might not work as they used ta!
-free hosts suck!
Possible Questions?
1) Candy, will you be finishing the site anytime soon?
>> It's a new year but ain't nuthing changed! I'll get to it "soon".. I pwomise! :o)
2) Candy, is there a new design in the works?
>> bahahahaahahaahahahahahahaha. NOPE! I've got a job... no time for this blog mehn... get used to biggie, learn to love him like I do :p
What's else is new witcha?
Nothing.
blogged a lirrle.... oh yea.. we're in anew year... so merry xmas, happy new year and all that good stuff...
uum what else..? I started classes... I'm in class right now.. I re-uploaded and set up my site while in class... I haven't heard a word the teacher's said.... all Ihear is "IDE" and byte code.... bah.. first days don't count I only cam because i don't want them giving my spot to some motha on the waiting list who didn't register on time.. they're shiesty in my school man.. they will do that and still charge you a regisitration and a drop-out fee... bastids!!
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Sunday, January 11, 2004 | The joy and evanescence of happiness
I've been through so many storms that I've begun to secretly despise sunlight... I've grown wise enough to know happiness is fleeting and not to be trusted even when ur wrapped up in it's delights. There has never been a time in the history of me that I really had no hope, and there in lies the source of all my pain.. I honestly believe that without hope happiness is a possibility.. I mean if you have no hope and are always suspect of happisness as yyou are of sadness then it's all good all the time.. and you're happy knowing you know you can't trust anything and nothing will get worse or better.. sort of a middle ground.. it's odd but at least it's one answer to normalcy...
I don't kow how come out of no where the worst comes and all the while you thought you were happy a perfect storm was brewing exxxcept you never noticed because you were too busy being ( or trying ) to be happy and go one with life? Nothing drastic has happened to me.. and I'm not saying my life contains more drudgery than the next naija girl.. but it doesn't mean I have to like it. And yes I fight tooth and nail to make it through the worst and I skip through the "happy" times questioning when doom will fall.. I can't help it.. because I just know better than to think it will last.. Of all the moments I've been full of rage, and hurt and disappointments in others and myself, I've always hoped for happiness to ease my frustrations, something to ease the anguish of life..
There have been times I'm always caught up in something truthfully good, and out of no where I remember when I was sad or broke or heartbroken or just a wreck and it's like I'm right back in that moment, in that experience.. and there is no happiness after that.. beause how can I forgive and moe on or let somethign go trying to be happy knowing I was probably happy before that thing and that I can nevver be that same person again?
I talked to someone on new years eve and even though I think he had his own motives he said I used to be so fiesty and so full of life and now I seem dull... but he didn't stop to think of his part in tthat.. and how torn I was after we broke up and that I'm not 20 anymore and definitely not as foolish.. or rather not foolish enough to be happy and carefree when I know how sweet misery is... and it is.. once you don't fight.. and why fight anyway? you can be miserable forever if you like... but not happy.
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Friday, January 09, 2004 | don't it always seem to go, that you dont' know what you've got till it's gone?
mehn, I miss freedom... having ajob ain't so hot! What was I thinking!
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Saturday, January 03, 2004 | it's -32 degrees ( celcius ) today...
it's been below -30 since new years eve... I'm not really one to read meaning into the cold weather during the transition to a new year.. but unseasonably warm weather sure wouldn't hurt anybody...
I'll be in today, as I'm sure most people will be.. I don't know how humans can possibly acclimate to such low tempratures. I don't care how far we go to make ourselves comfortable in weather like this ( car starters, central heating, plugin in cars and sometimes ourselves just to keep at 98 degrees ( fahrenheit ) , we do it only because we know it's not in God's plan for us to freeze like this.
I'm sure when Canada was trying to attract people to these badlands the plan was to promote everything else so as to shield the truth about the 9 months on unyeilding cold and darkness... Since so many of us are trapped here, one can surmise that their plans succeeded. Somehow you do get used to it.. the cold, the car starters, central heating blasting at full force. It's become life for all of us here... and I guess to make it through sanely, all you can do is keep reminding yourself of what you were told before you allowed yourself and family to be bear-trapped like animals and forced to work to sustain another man's nation through taxes and taxes and taxes...
As the people of the Canadian badlands we serve a higher purpose. We're the mules of naturalization and immigration.. not much unlike the the underground railrod.... you run from one evil not fully knowing what awaits you when you re-surface on teh other end.. and I guess for some the cold is a small price to pay.... after all, when you look at it, most of the warm places in the world are falling apart at the seams poilitcally and socially... I'm not saying it's the way it should be.. for all I know it's part of the design of the same people that are tryign to draw us to colder and colder places.. but it is the way that it is. All they ask is that we stay blind to the truth, the truth that's been real for upwards of 500 years, the truth that we have to work. We have to work for them. The bait they use to trap us has changed, and is definitely more "policitcally correct" than when they were kidnapping africans and shipping us from the shores of west africa to work for them... we still have to come here and work. and work and work. We work to stay warm. We work for the promised dream, they pay us and we pay them back in the currency of capitalism ( taxes and consumer spending ). So even though we're getting paid now, it's not exactly the truth since we don't more to benefit than the slaves of yester-year. We're just the new breed and they've come up with another promise to blind us from the truth. Now, we work to pay for all the comforts that are NECESSARY for life in this iceland.... to work for the economy and wage. we work for the milk AND the honey. And of course, they tax that too. Its the perfect plan, now they don't have to feed us or house us, we'll happily go to schools that suit us, for degrees that suit us and buy houses that suit us, cars that suit us and of course they tax us all the way. Because if we don't do all of this, they don't get their taxes and we simply freeze to death. So, we get work as it suits us to make it more COMFORTABLE for us to suit the system and appease the tax collectors and the economy.
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Friday, January 02, 2004 | Thinkin of a master plan
Cause ain't nuttin but sweat inside my hand
So I dig into my pockets, all my money is spent
So I dig deeper, but still comin up with lint
So I, start my mission, leave my residence
Thinkin how can I get some dead presidents?
I need money, I used to be a stick-up kid
So I think of all the devious things I did
I used to roll up, this is a hold up, ain't nuttin funny
Stop smilin, cause still don't nuttin move but the money
Cause now I've learned to earn cause I'm righteous *
I feel great, so maybe I might just *
Search fo' a 9 to 5, if I strive
Then maybe I'll stay alive
So I walk up the street, whistlin this
Feelin out of place cause man do I [wish]
[for some of] my favorite thangs
But without no money, man that shit's a dream
Cause I don't like to dream about gettin paid
So I dig into the books of [code] that I've made
Soon as I bust 'em see if I got pull
I'll hit [my PC till] I'm paid in full
//changes up Snoops Paper'd Up lyrics for me... it fits quite nicely in my line of thinking these days. I'm digging and coming up with lint... wishing for good things but wishing can't get me paid.. so I stay working till I'm paid in full...
classic song.. and great movie too.
* B.I.G. reference for all my rap heads... remember biggie's line:
Bitches in the back looking righteous
In a tight dress, i think i might just
Hit her with a little Biggie 101, How to tote a gun
And have fun with Jamaician rum
Conversations, blunts in rotation
- Party and Bullshit - Notorious B.I.G
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