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Monday, September 29, 2003 | The stages of Sleeplessness
Stage One: The blinking phase
In this phase my eyes get dry, you blink and blink and rub ur eyes till they water... you start peeking out the one eye while trying to let the other one rest a lil........ you decide it's the lights and shut everything off and work with the light from ur TV....
Stage Two: Hunger!!
This is definitely worth all the blinking and eye rubbing... this might occur in the 20 - 23rd hour... you raid the pantry and freezer ( not the fridge since leftovers are unappealing.... only sweets will do ) ... plus it's so late no one is awake to witness yoru carnage so therefore the calories don't count.... 1 1/2 cup of icecream later..... you figure you need real food... then you hit the fridge... it's either leftover curry lamb or some comfort food ( perogies, cottage cheese and hot sauce )
Stage Three: The haze
This is where you keep making typo's... you question life.. get a few business idea's.... let your mind wander.. you wonder why you work so hard.. contemplate quitting your job and spending the last few dollars in your account on some shoes.. or maybe some new hair... speaking of hair.. you end up looking at yoruself in the bathroom mirror... wondering why you look high.... you decide the bathroom lighting is "different" at night and head back to your room.... You fall face forward on yoru bed and wake up 25 minutes later not sure what happened.. you decide to get back to work to finish up overdue project before bedtime..
Stage Four: Sleep is for the weak but wtf am I still doing up!
You feel almost reenergized... your'e a little slower but still doing ur thing.. working.. typing.. fixing.. redoing... it's probably very early morning now.. so you send a few emails to your boss to look like you woke up early and have shit under control... you FEEL in control.. aside from yawning every five minutes, you're still feeling aight.. you work diligently and recall the entire day with no sleep....
Man... shit ain't sweet... I'm so fucking tired... actually this is probably the Fifth stage I'm in right now... I've cursed 6 times in the last hour... I'm bitchy now.. and I can't sleep yet.. The shit we do for money huh... I know I blog about it alot but it's just pretty sick to me... or mybe it's just my life that's rid with high expectations.. and I thought the one's I placed on my self were demanding? Apparently that was a cake walk compared to all the people I'm working for.. humph! Some of my friends are living the life man... those bitches don't have to worry about shit. My girl just pawned her car... actually I think that was a prety stupid move on her part... because she still has no job and no money to get her car out so it's like sellign a $5000+ car for a probably a grand... only dumb girls and crack heads do that shit... and she doesn't smoke crack that for sure... she's just naturally slow... lol I'm so mean. But it's the truth!! What kind of life is it that anyway? Spend when you're rich and pawn when you're broke? Maaaan, that shit just is not for ME! I'm trying to invest my nickels and dimes.. not pawn my old junk! I guess it's that midset that has me workign all night and keeps those girls up in the club on the weekends... hum.. food for thought isn't it... I rarely play the lotto but i spent a whole $2 last week.. I don't think I won.. I haven't checked it yet, no time... but just the mere fact that I'm looking for free money just shows that unconsciously I"m damn tired of working so hard for it.
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Monday, September 29, 2003 | Untitled
Wow... I just saw the film "Secretary" totally by accident... it was either watch that on TV or watch "Jeepers Creepers"... but since I hate scary movies.....
As twisted as the storyline was... I feel it's so believeable and true.. I won't even bother explaining the plot since it's the whole premise of finding someone that understands you that makes the movie so great... To find someone that is just as sick as you are and is ready and willing to submit to you, "as is" instead of trying to hide themselves behind a facade they think might appeal to you more...? And imagine if that someone also wanted the same from you? Spanking non-inclusive, who wouldn't want to have that plotline be thier reality! I thought it was a really sweet story of finding love and yourself all at the same time... it's so much more endearing than a "maid in manhattan" or even "serendipity"... Where even though the whole story is neatly wrapped up within 2 hours the journey is wildly different and so much more intelligent than that whole, even if you lie, cheat, tell a few bad jokes and basically do everything you can to seem unappealing, you will end up with someone because the script demands it... it's the classic cookie cutter plot to most movies...keep that in mind the next time a big "romantic comedy" like "How to lose a guy in ten days" comes out... I guess it takes a hollywood plot to show us how much we're really being cheated by this often horrible thing called reality..
I know everytime I've lied or have been lied to, it ends the r/ship. It doesn't somehow make the person more appealing to me like "aaaaaw, he didn't tell me about that part... isn't he cute". Even if reality forces you to accept the lie told ( by youor them) you somehow 'have' to forgive or be forgiven.. but you know it really bothers you and the whole thing eats away at your feelings until there isn't any love left to cushion the impact of how flawed this person/relationship really is... also, every one in good movies like Secretary and even American Beauty seem to have this inside track on the meaning of life or whatever... Again, in the real world the rest of us come up short... I know we've all sat and spent hours trying to wonder wtf is going on in his/her head.. why did they do "that" why haven't they done "this". It's crazy... in the movies, there is none of that...and even if there is there is a moment of clarity where the main person get's an ah-hah moment where the plotline reveals to them, everything about the other person that makes them the perfect mate, why thy are the perfect mate and even answers all the questions and little mysteries that are in every Relationship. That ephiphany usually amounts to them running wildly through a train station, a traffic jam, an airport or all three ( like in love Jones ) to get to their one true love... barring any unforseen plot-twists, it's usually a good time to finish your drink and prepare for the credits to roll... Meanwhile, reality dictates, that the only ah-hah moment's I'll have must result in a break up and occasionally a change of phone number... no well scripted, clever little quips about life and myself... assuming I fully understand myself to begin with.. who wouldn't be as confident to make a fool of themselves, risk life or death in heavy traffic to get to another person if they didn't have all their lines scripted and was guaranteed to come out of it unscathed and with a true love..? so, why wouldn't I go for it...? well... reality for one.
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Monday, September 22, 2003 | rock, lotto, flowers..
A lot of women are flowers. And I'm trying to find a rock. 'Cause a rock don't change it's shape, y'know? A flower, if you don't water 'em enough they just die. Too much water, die. Not a certain light, die. there's beauty in a flower but.. a diamond is a rock. It's always gonna shine, and you'll never loose fascination with it. If you get a rock, you straight fo' life.
- Loon ( pg. 138, September issue of "The Source" Magazine )
I'm shocked by how much meaning I found in this unexpected bit of knowledge from an easily overlooked rapper.. but it's so true. How often do women rely on their men loving them a certain exact way for them to be happy..? That water could be his attention, the light might be his time, his touch or his conversation. Whatever. But if it's not invested just so, the woman might not feel perfectly blissful and happy that she has a man who truly loves her.
I was watching Brown Sugar tonight, if you've seen the movie you might remember the part when Syd was with her new man and she found out he didn't read her articles every single day like Dre did... but who's to say he didn't truly love her anyway? Love is possbily the most misunderstood, over-judged thing but every one swears they'll know it when they see it.. why? because we all know how WE want to be loved.. we know the kind of happiness we want this love to bring to our lives and if it's a little weird, or quirky or doesn't do things we want it to, we decide it must be the love that's wrong and not our own personal definition of happiness...
And so I think about me, and the light I require, the amount of water I need to bloom...but even before I read Loon's little quote that so nicely wrapped everything up for me... I knew I didn't want my radiance, my life, my existence my shot at happiness to be dictated by something that's out of my control.. how possible is it that I'd find a guy who will know the exact amount of water and light I'll need.. and that he'll always be there to give it to me no questions asked? I think it's about as possible as winning the lotto... it might happen but it's not an everday thing and certainly will not happen to every single woman in the world.. How silly of me to think it's more important to be loved than be happy by myself first..? And how true is it that it's when I'm most happy that love finds me..? So, slowly, before I realized that being a rock is what I'll need to be to really be happy in a r/ship I realized that I want to be in control of my own existence, and any shot of happiness I find, it would be nice to know that I can always have it to some degree because it's internal.
Isn't it funny how, as he says guys might find a rock(diamond) and be both fascinated by it's lustre, it's defiance, it's strength, it's beauty because that diamond would still be as beautiful and radiant without him..? He would realize it's his luck not his right or duty to have something so pure and rare... and when's all said and done, wouldn't that be sort of like winning the lotto?
A rock wouldn't fall apart because of a little turmoil... it's shine would still be as bright even without someone to admire it... a rock is just as it is... a rock.
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