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Saturday, June 28, 2003 | oh boy.... life sucks for real sometimes you know? I've never been teased so much by anything as I have by circumstance. I'm sure most of you can relate? I mean... how many times have you been on the very brink of happines... I'm talking pure bliss only to have it hinged on some miniscule detail that could shatter everything and bring you crashing back down to earth? Why IS it that heaven is most elusive when it's JUUUST in front of your face.. so close you could kiss it.
I've been smiling like a little girl the day after halloween... but at the same time I've never been so scared and worried. So many things go through my mind... and the rest of me is just motionless... sometimes I catch myself staring at nothing in particular and anyone who might see me might think I was high off smack or something... Sure, life can be sweet... but there's always the bitter. I know I never blog in detail about the things that are REALLY on my mind.. today is no exception so please don't even try to understand it.. I just wish life had a remote control.. or at least was multiple choice.. so you KNOW there was a limited number of outcomes... everyday I feel like I've walked into a pop-quiz. Or like I've skipped too many classes and the shit is back to bite me in the ass or something. When will I learn? To this day I question if I've ever really been in love with anyone... but sitting here today I'd be a fool if I didn't say I am... fully there.... helplessly sprung. It's just pathetic. Maybe its just stress I'm confusing for ardor? I dunno... I doubt I am.. I think it's more like what I said earlier... it's the "promise" of something good.. the "promise" of being in love that makes me smile all day long.... and I wonder.. does he think of me? does he sit and laugh about what we talk about? How many times a day is my name on his mind?lol I know better though.. I'm mature enough to know... whatever love is... it's more like English class than Math.. there doesn't seem to be any rhyme, reason, equation, or anything halfway logical where love is concerned... It's just your take on a question that no one else knows the answer to. A questio no one ELSE can answer FOR you...
Tomorrow... I might have lost everything.. tomorrow I don't know if I'll be kissing heaven or falling from it... I think this is the moment it's probably the sweetest because I'm not QUITE there... I'm in limbo right now and there's no multiple choice. Somehow, knowing I'm closer than I've ever been before is enough to keep me reaching... *grins* :o)
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Wednesday, June 25, 2003 | THEORY
Into love and out again,
Thus I went and thus I go.
Spare your voice, and hold your pen:
Well and bitterly I know
All the songs were ever sung,
All the words were ever said;
Could it be, when I was young,
Someone dropped me on my head?
-- Dorothy Parker
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Tuesday, June 24, 2003 | Hon' what they gon' say to you
Got your hair did and your favorite shoes
Tell'em don't play with you, get'em away from you
You need a baller like I, call'em like I
See'em like naaaa
Move over y'all amateurs!!
I stands up in it like a champ up in it
Be up in it so long, get my calls transferred in it
I feel so good today... I actually am ahead of my tasks ( sort of )... I mean I have deadlines tomorrow.. but it's whatever. I'm always working and behind so it's nice not to be stressed out... I'm just feeling nice... The only thing really on my mind is wether to call T? Hum.. I'm not sure if I blogged all that actually... sometimes I elude to stuff and confuse my own self lol but erm yea... Lots has been going on between us before I left.. around my birthday it was a bittersweet kinda deal... I dunno. I can't explain it because I"m not even fully sure where things stand.. actually I was sure.. until like last week.. *sigh* confusion... circumstance.. it's crazy. Anyway, I wrote a poem.. I'd planned to post it.. but I never got around to it.. and now I'm back to sanity and there's no way I'll post it.. it's really..... much too romantic and I don't want people thinking I'm a sap or something :o)... but secretly, I'm starting to feel like one.
This summer might just have some suprises for me.... I think August is gonna be outta here... I'm FINALLY getting some feedback for some work, I'm getting projects here and there... basically maicure and pedicure money.. nothing serious. And best of all I might land in hot-lanta for a few weeks... maybe newyork..? naaaaah... I'm not ready for N.Y lol!! Well the atl thing.. it's ALMOST definite.. I mean things are really cool. I don't have my archives activated... too lazy to code.. no damn time. But I was supposed to go see my cousin last year.. that all fell through because of school and $$$ but not this year.. by God's grace we're gonna kick it this year.. I don't have to pay for anything either... so I'm *really* exited about going... and just being freeeeee!
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Tuesday, June 17, 2003 | Leave 'em bankrupt, with blue balls till the dick bleed
A friend of mine asked me the "guess what?!" question today..... I've had enough of my friends ask me that for me to know she was pregnant. I was shocked u know... because she's the same age as me... far too old for it to be an accident.. I couldn't help smiling either way.. because I could tell she was happy. She's 2 months.. and already gaining weight. I went over to her parents house for a bbq tonight.. jokes.... her parents house is always full of people.. it's been like that since we were in school.. aunts uncles kids dogs.. it was nice.. I met her man for the first time too.. he's a cutey.. but way too quiet to be trusted. I guess he had a lot on his mind.. I asked her if they're getting married? I'm no prude.. but fuck that.. let's keep shit real right? She said they're havign a rough time.. which I guess is to bexpected but I still don't understand it.. ALL of my acquanintaces from school and beyond who've gotten pregnant break up with the men before they hit 3 months... I won't even go into the trapped feelings men might have.. or the last ditch effort to remain boys and have as much fun as possible before reality is "birthed".. but what I don't get are the girls!! I know I'm hardcore cuz that shit just wouldn't happen... it's either we get married or no baby. point-blank. I mean.. why is replonsibility automatically the girls? where is MY 6 months of fun before the baby comes..? I don't even think I'd say anything official or romantic.. "like lets get maried boo".. I'd just be like.. "do you think I can get away with wearing white at the wedding?" I might pull some dirty ass move and tell him "we're having a baby" right infront of his mama or something.. I dunno how.. but there's no way I would just think it's all on me.. thats just not right.. I can't see myself being a single parent. no way.. I couldn't pull it.. and I don't think it's really fair to either party.. I know it's 2000+ but I'm old-fashioned that way.. if I'm "late" that's lockdown.. I don't care who I"m with.. I'm already picky anyway so I doubt I'd be sexing anyone I wasn't into.. and into VERY deep. ( I might rant on pre-marital sex another day ) it's just something I've learned from experience.. it's not an automatic thing.. I'd rather keep some guy blue-balled than have to marry someone just because I'm pregnant or anything.. to me there would be no question that if there's a baby coming there WILL be a wedding very shortly BEFORE.. but that's just me. No free milk. These two weren't even sitting together at the bbq. I expect to hear the low-down tomorrow when we go to the $1 movies and gist.. I hope she knows what she's doing.. she's one of my oldest friends.. and one of the few I know who doesn't have babies... She's the kind of person that will feel completed by a kid.. which is sweet and all.. but I'm doubtful. Of the friends of mine who have kids I can say flatout that there is nothing romantic about babies.. especially when ur too young and unrich... u know? When people don't get the cute-faced, smiling babies in the Johnson and Johnson commercials or the adorable (sleeping) babies in the Anne Geddes posters.. they start feeling cheated somehow.. I know I love every minute I'm with all my little nieces and nephews but there's not a day that goes by that I'm not glad to leave and go home to some quiet. Maybe that's what makes me know that I couldn't, wouldn't EVER do it by myself.. paying bills.. being someone's baby-momma.. ( and someone else's Mommy! ) **gulp** lai-lai!.. kudo's to those who do it.. but nah-ah.. not me. Not alone. I know she has so many blessings headed her way through this... she really seems happy.. but I still think she's crazy.. she needs to pop the question to that boy and quit fucking around! ( pun intended ) lol
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Sunday, June 15, 2003 | where's the love?
dang... why all the hate on Ja-Rule..? I'm not a fan or anything.. the last song he made that I liked was "always on time".. but wow this whole 50-ja fued is getting ugly.. it's like they want people to pick sides? isn't this bringing back memories of late 1995? my gawd.. sometimes I can't stand 50 cent for real.. fuck him. studying another man's shit to the point u know all the lyrics to his song and they you're calling HIM a bitch-ass? what does he think he is? 50 cent is a metaphor for change my ass... pssh!
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Wednesday, June 11, 2003 | This is so shameful.... what is she thinking... oops my bad.. I mean, what were her stylists thinking? I love lil Kim and all.. and sure I love some of the "stuff" she wears.. but this is just disgraceful... and it's not helping her rep of being a ho out either.. Case in point; her XXL shoot with another wide-legged pose ( in the very same outfit she's wearing in these pictures )... isn't that pose getting a little old kim? I mean we all know how much press her Hardcore poster recieved when it first came out.. I actually didn't think it was that bad until I saw the FULL size poster in all it's gory detail.... and is she for real about these scratch and sniff posters? I don't REALLY wanna know what that thang smells like... eeew!! I guess that's for her comrades in jail.... how thoughtful of her. Lil Kim needs to stop wearing such small clothes for real though... especially on stage.. I remember watching spring bling and praying that the ish wasn't live.. I mean.. what a site for those poor kids in the pit who had to look up under her non-existent skirt..? I mean it was so short u could see under it from ABOVE.. ain't that some shit? anyway I got love for her... but she needs to tone it done some... chei!
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Tuesday, June 10, 2003 | (Wait, look)
You a Glamour Miss
You don't know if I could handle or miss?
C'mon now, I got stamina Miss
And don't think cause I'm into ballin' that I'm a control freak
I won't stop them male friends from callin'
And I ain't talkin' kids and marriage
You been hurt in the past
Not a thing, I get rid of that baggage
If we - get together, cop mansion, whip together
And if I slack up I get it together
I picture your skin covered in the softest fabrics
Daytimes, Central Park we in the horse and carriage
Or let you push forces and carats
Don't take it as a gift, baby girl
If you my all you could have it
(If I) and could be that dude that you want in your life
(If I) and could put the future right in front of your eyes
(If I) and couldn't live after all that I say
Do you think that I'd go out of my way?
Answer that mami
Joe Budden
baby you'll see, if you just let me get next to you.... ooooo-wee!!!
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Friday, June 06, 2003 | what I need is a little more grip.. and a little less lip... - Ice Cube
I know I'm always bitching about work and stuff.. but it's really getting ridiculous.. I can't wait until next week!!! How come I get emails... for every little error yet nobody wants to come up out the pocket and pay me... that's when things get silent... do the words "out of scope" mean anything to these people?? like I work for free....
Speaking of money.. I haven't been this broke since the beginning of the year. I don't know how on earth I thought I could go to London with no money and still not shop? I know better than that.. I should have just taken some more money.. Or at least avoided Oxford circus altogether... I mean there's only so many Kookai stores you can pass before you walk into one... It's simple mathematics... I have this cute picture of me, my sisters and my (male) cousin trying on the hats in Debenhams or John Lewis or somewhere.. I think it's my fav pic.. cuz we're all posing up with 200 pound hats acting like we're the nubian part of the royal family.. ha! that day was fun....
Not to sound like a raging out of control shop-a-holic ( which I'm really not), I didn't really buy a lot of little thigns.. I bought a few really nice things.. my one weakness is shoes.. in total between Rome and London all four of us bought 12 pairs of shoes... Rome is just the last place you want to be broke in btw... especially if u love shoes. I don't really wear runners so go figure that my most expensive purchase: these bad ass a.d.i.d.a.s.. I don't knwo what it is about them.. maybe the colour..? the uniqueness..? the leather? the sole? the soul? they have so much chracter... and they look so nice on me in jeans.. so I was thinking w/ khaki's I'll be on point u know? I got them from a store called "Size?" On Carnaby St.. ( it's off Regent St..).. wicked ass shoes in there.. the dude that sold them to me could tell I loved them I guess.. he stoold there chattign for like 15 mins even thought he store was packed.. I asked why they cost so much.. and he's like "they're limited edition e.t.c. probably not available in N.A. it's distributed in Europe only thing,... he said they're made by "proper" shoemakers not in some sweat shop.. he must be paid on commision then.. so free with the lies.. anyway I got them.. they're leather and they're bad as hell.. of course I don't know if any of his sales pitch is true.. but the shoes are made in China.. so I'm doubtful. MAYBE they have "proper" shoemakers in China.. I don't know. Anyway.. I guess themain point is, they're just my style .. I hate bright coloured runners.. they always look tacky and out of place.. I mean what's the point of spending $100 on some shoes that make you look like a child? or like ur on ur way to a gym? That's not for me.. If I spend $100 and any shoes they have to be looking t.i.g.h.t. that's #1. the only other runners I've seen that I like are these and these puma's.. just cuz they fit your foot like a sock.. the sole is as soft as butter.. no lie... they're actually cheaper and trendier than the a.d.i.d.a.s but still very well made. I can't say enough about well made shoes :o).. but all this goodness isn't without it's price... I suffer... believe me. I suffer... I can't believe my visa bill!!
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Wednesday, June 04, 2003 | I got myself a lover
And he's so sublime
It's quite a bit of heaven
To feel him inside
So come on sugar daddy
Take me for a ride
Whatever way we're going next
It's delirium time
I get weak
And his candy's just so sweet
When he caresses my whole body
All I need is him to be my loverboy
I wanna
I wanna
I wanna
I wanna
I need a
I need a
I need a
I need a
A lover
A lover
A lover
A lover
A lover
A lover
A lover
A loverboy for me
-M.C Loverboy!
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Tuesday, June 03, 2003 | you know.. it's odd.. and maybe a little insecure of me to admit this.. but I always wonder why people would have an interest in me.. maybe it's the suspicious side of me but I can't really understand it.. and it at once fascinates me and scared the heck out of me.. it's usually because I have no real answwer that I begin to distrust people..and wonder what they REALLY want.. what they're really looking for....
It seems a few of people have been getting emails about nc.com.... and I can't help but wonder why... and what about?
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Monday, June 02, 2003 | in my attempt to escape the frustration of my work.. I've decided to just launch a site.. it's only a blog only version.. kinda plain.. kinda simple... in fact there isn't even a style sheet... it took about an hour and a half to do this and launch it so I'm not too mad. It's actually been a nice break away from the drama in the real world....
my friend told me an old acuaintace of mine was asking about me.... normally I'd be all excited and full of questions asking for details.. but not this time.. I knew this guy when I was still 19? he's been with like 20 girls since then.. what the heck is he asking about me for...? I almost feel insulted! We used to "talk"... actually let me be frank.. I pimped him. He provided the chips.. and didn't get shit.. I actually did that because he was so cheap.. he used to take me to the mall just to hang out.. so I started making him spend money!! or else I wouldn't go no where with him.. like wtf am I going to hand out at the mall for when I don't work there? mehn.. he used to annoy me... anyway I finally really just started to not give a fuck about him.. it was almost christmas and he wanted me to come to his work xmas party with him.. except I didn't want to go..I felt that was too much of a "girlfriend" role.. and it wasn't all that. Now that I think of it, I think I just wanted it to end.. anyway.. he got me my outfit and my shoes for it.. and like 2 dys before I told him I wasn't going.. lol I'm so mean and vicious! - jay - z anyway.. at the time I didn't feel bad.. I mean I kinda felt like I deserved it.. but what DID make me feel bad was that he never called me again... never ever... then I guess I felt a little remorse and fascinated by his pride.. but I was also very happy to be rid of him... I dunno what it is that bugged me ( aside from his stinginess ) he only spent money with the assumption that he would be getting somethign for it.. I guess it was a lesson learned.. I dunno.. I didn't really care either.
anyway.. I have seen him here and there.. but we walk past each other like strangers.. the last time ( which I think might have instigated his call to my girl ) was on my birthday.. I was standing in line at an after-party.. talking with my frend for about 15mins.. before I noticed him directly to my left ( parallel to me ) staring right in my face!! what a freak! anyway.. I think I just turned my back.. I mean I could barely recognize this guy.. it seems he's actually grown SHORTER than the last time...? eeew! I didn't think much of it and I didn't see him the rest of that night.. I left to london a week after my birthday and I came back my friend told me this dude is asking "what I'm up to" we had a good laugh over that.. men can be so pathetic. She knows the whole story.. so she was short with him... now I'm wondering why he's even asking in the first place? Uh! The last thing I need is some skeleton in my closet stalking me all over the place.. not this summer anyway.. Plus he kinda plays soccer.. I dunno if I'll be going to any of the games now that I know he's looking.. I really hope he was just bored or something... but the whole thins is strangely amusing to me... I would have thought he still hated me with a passion for that little stunt way back when.... I still don't plan to ever talk to him again though. Guys always have a sort of insistency they can't seem to control... I know even if I did talk to him and he just saw that I still wasn't interested that might pique his interest or something... maybe he wants payback..? or maybe even to ask me to pay him back..? shuu... I dunno, and I gotta play it safe. I wonder what he'd say if he knew I never wore that outfit be bought me for the dinner? I gave the shoes out actually... it just turned me off to even look at them. All I know is I don't want no drama....
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all;
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pith and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry,
And lose the name of action. —Soft you now!
The fair Ophelia! Nymph, in thy orisons
Be all my sins remember'd.
Shakespeare.
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Sunday, June 01, 2003 | Ronnie:You look so mean. Why don't you smile for a change?
Kane:I ain't got shit to smile about.
Ronnie:You alive ain't you?
Kane:Yeah... and who says that's good?
I. ain't. got. shit. to. smile. about!
that scene from Menace II Society just about sums up my disposition this evening/morning. It's 5:30am.. I haven't slept.. I'm feeling miserable.. I hate being under stress.. my body can't handle stress at all... fuck.
You know.. the more I deal with demaning clients the more I remind myself I deserve it for not looking for a real job.. if it wasn't for the fact that I need some dough real quick I'm not too sure I wouldn't have cursed the fuck outta this chick by now.. I'm one "alteration" from scrapping this project and kissing some not-so-decent money-but-I'm-desperate money GOOD-BYE! fuck it!
Actually.... it wasn't an all bad day.. it did start off quite nicely... had a little celebrating to do today.. had some jollof rice.. roasted chicken and some wine we brought from Italy.. ( Fragolinni (sp)) it's strawberry wine... I had a glass and a half... I think I got drunk but I'm not quite sure... I did fall asleep for a few hours though cuz I wasn't feeling "right"... anyway.. that nice feeling didn't last long at all... I had to get down to work.. which completely ruined my day. You know.. I'm so angry with myself sometimes.. I'm way too nice. When will I ever learn to say no. My mentor once told me.. to bide my time.. that I won't be able to work day and night on project forever.. and now I totally understand.. it's like I can't even get a fucking break! plus I haven't told these other people that I'm back in town yet because I know they have a laundry list of shit they want me to do.. but I also can't chin them for much longer or they might hire someone else!!! I had originally planned on finishing this project within a week and then 'easing' into back into the other project I'd left hanging when I ran off to london... now it seems fate has different plans for me.. what a twisted web we weave.... like these people really give a fuck how hard I have to work anyway? heck no! all I get are these retarded fucking emails.. requesting shit as politely as possible... it's really starting to piss me off!!
anyway... as usual the only way I can make it through my day ( sanity intact ) is to remind myself there are bigger things in the works.. and even though they are only half-way planned out, completing them is my salvation from this donkey work!!!
argh!!!
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