Monday, April 28, 2003 | wow..
can't believe it's the end of april... I really shouldn't havestopped blogging.. I feel like there's so much to release.. but at the same time I'm blank.. I don't knwo what to say.. I don't kno what not to say.. most of the things that are running through my mind haven't actually happened yet ( goals, dreams )...... anticipation(s) if there is such a thing..
for one.. I'm escaping... for two I'm erasing some of my own history... for three I'm writing a new one in it's place..
I've had it with self involved friends.. psuedo girlfriends who can't see past their noses.. I mean I'm not trying to sound holier or anything but fuck them... seriously.. A friend I've had for the ENTIRE time I've been in Canada said happy birthday to me on IM.. I'm thinking.. wtf..? you call me to blab about your fucked up boyfriends and other bull shit.. that is worth a calling card.. but for my birthday I get a stale happy birthday on my offline messages on Yahoo..? damn... that's cold.. it's weird because this 'friend' and I have been through a ton together.. I really shouldn't be mad but I can't help it.. actually I'm not mad.. I just see the light now. She's always been that way.. ain't nothing changed.. it's hurts too because of all the friends I have that i KNOW are all about themselves I thought she actually gave a fuck about our f/ship enough to do something memorable on a day like that.. I dunno... I have the weirdest friends too.. it's like I don't trust any of them half the time.. they NEVER exceed my expectation.. they are just THERE taking up space in my life like the plants in the corner of our living room... no real function but if they weren't there the place would look empty.... every year I call them less and less.. and when they call to blab about their life.. I have to feign interest.. and laugh when I'd rather just be left alone. So what happened to that.. "you're my girl I have your back no matter what" thing we had going in high school..? well.. who knows.. blame it on school, pregnancy, boyfriends, jobs.. LIFE.. but that ship sunk a long time ago.. we're all on different paths now and I wonder if that was the true test of our f/ship and not any of the things we did back in the day like little 2 week fights or someone cheating with someone else's man.. or telling someone's secret.. I would have though.. any of us who could make it through that could make it through anything right..? but that's not even the case.. Now I can honestly say I knwo too much about their life and they knwo nothing about me. That's a sad place to be indeed.
It's not like I don't want them in my life anymore... but at athe same time.. I have to be true to myself.. I guess I just need to learn to stop expecting so much from other people... when the fact is they can't reallylive up to it.. they are who they are I guess.. but I don't have to settle for that do I? Is it weird for me to expect more from someone I've known for half my life? I don't think so.. but since I can't change them I'll just settle with changing the situation... and trim the fat off our so called friendship.
I mean, I just don't trust people period.. so it's weird to have the few people I've grown used to shock me in ways I wouldn't expect froma stranger.. like people I met in less time and haven't even met in person call and do the sweetest things... and my so called sisters are MIA as fucking usual.. they only call to blab about their shit... but why should I care really...? they don't seem bothered enough to ask anyway.. and sometimes it's easier to listen for an hour on the phone than to try to get aggy and have a "moment"... who knows... I just don't have time for taht kind of bull in my life these days.. I'm all about the quality of relationships wether they may be... business, friendship or intimate.. it's not enough to have a million "friends" just for braggin rights.. I'd rather have one I can point to and say this person is my right hand and I'm their left.. not any of this parttime business....
The biggest project I've ever worked on is about to go live... I'm wondering how I feel about it.. I think relief is a good word.. I bid it good riddance.. it wasn't annoying to work on but ths shit drageeeeeedd on and on.. felt like it took a whole portion of my life or something lol like having a baby.. you're happy to have been in gestation.. growing the seed e.t.c but once that sucker's born... it's like HALLELUYAH!!! back to normal.
I haven't gotten very far with my Java cert thingy... erm.. actually I haven't even started.. YET. I plan to over the summer though but maybe learning on my own isn't the way to go. I had a few projects while I was doing the other one.. now that they are all done there is really only one more and then I'm assed out.. no work. I'm not really scared or worried.. I mean I'm not struglingor anything THANK GOD for that.. but I'm not the kind of person ( anymore ) to just sit around and wait for ish to happen.. I'm so different now than I used to be.. before nothingbothered me.. for the most part I'm still that way but now I'm so hungry for education.. and life and mostly SUCCESS I literally lose sleep at night.. this affect my whole life now.. it's all I think about.. it's all that really matters to me... it's like I'm obsessed.. I wonder why I'm so scared to fail.. I'm scared to not have any opputunity to better myself.. that is the scariest thing in the world.. I don't even knw what I would do if that happened.. like where would I go.. what would I do in the mornings..? damn.. it's crazy... I just HAVE to succeed at what I do.. and in a way I want to.. there's no two ways about it.. that's the only thing I want. that's why i work so hard.. made so many sacrifices....................
anyway.. on a lighter note.. I got the fever Ill nana 2.... it's not out yet so don't get excited... but wow it sucks.. I don't even like the single she released.. i used to love Foxy... her last album was the first time I'd seen her come close to matching the fury on her debut.. I mean there is just nothign like it. I knwo the whole thing word for word.. it's my second bible actually.. that and AMIL and Jigga's and BIG's albums.. those are messages anyone can live by.. I don't know where she went with this new one though.. it's just all over the place.. too much shit-talking.. I dunno plus I'm nto the feeling the heavily influenced Jigga flow.. it's so irritating.....
song stuck in my head: Magic Stick 50 cent and lil kim... I've now proclaimed myself "the magic box girl" hahahahaha I'm so perverted :o) I just love the song.. someone sang it to me over the phone.. ( spur of the moment type thing ) which made me go listen to the song in the first place... it's been in rotation since then and then he sent this email: TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF FOR ME. U KNOW WHO DIS IS.....ITS YOUR MAN WITH DA MAGIC STICK... and that shit's been driving me crazy ever sinceeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee :-D hehehe
I got the magic ****
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