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Friday, January 31, 2003 | Each day I live
I want to be a day to give the best of me
I'm only one, but not alone
My finest day is yet unknown
I broke my heart for every gain
To taste the sweet, I faced the pain
I rise and fall, yet through it all this much remains
I want one moment in time
When I'm more than I thought I could be
When all of my dreams are a heart beat away
And the answers are all up to me
Give me one moment in time
When I'm racing with destiny
Then in that on moment of time
I will feel, I will feel eternity
I will live to be the very best
I want it all, no time for less
I've laid the plans
Now lay the chance here in my hands
Give me one moment in time...
Albert Hammond and John Bettis
I'm not crazy... I"m just really feeling these words right now. As busy as I've been ( and I thank God for that ) I still feel there is so much to gain... I'm feeling ready to do my thing.. I'm really just waiting for the chance. I think I've been close and everytime I think 'this is it' it's fallen through but each time I get a little further than the last time.. I get a little better and I get there a litle faster.. I'm holding on.. I just can't wait.. I know it's going to happen.. I just don't nkow when...
A project I thought I was going to get is taking forever to come in. Another one is still in talks.. it's been like 3 months..? ok.. 2 months.. but it's almost feb. And now a potential one I that had gained a lot of momentum is cooling off in all the wrong ways.. so I don't think that is going to happen. I still have work lined up.. and again, I"m grateful but it just seems like the whole world is sleeping on my skillz...!!
Tomorrow is february... a few blogs posts ago I voiced a promise I'd made to myself that I'd be geting into the gym thing FULL force in february.. doing everything as it's suppsoed to be done, and studying for my exam ( for the end of May ). These two things combined with work will be the biggest challenge aside from school that I've ever faced in my entire life. I have to challenge mind and body simutaneously. I have to do things I don't really want to do but know that I HAVE to do... it's gonna be ugly people.. I can tell..
I want to see how february goes if it's good then March to may won't be a problem.. I have this really strict 24hr study scedule on saturday and sunday. Meaning 8 hours of study each day and 4 hours of practise after. Meaning I won't be able to work on the weekends any more which means I have to actually work every day during the week! Usually I chill tues-thurs and make my hours back on the weekend. Not anymore.. now I have to punch myself in.. wake up at ungodly hours like 6am do the gym thing then work str8 through for 8 hours to make sure I get all my time in and not have to take time away from my study time on the weekend or put in any overtime *yikes*!? I sound like a baby. I know this.. but it's gonna be so hard!!! Plus waking up in the MORNINGS!! to got to the gym!! the blender is gonna be my best friend for like ever!! Man.. I shouldn't sound so down.. I should tell myself it's gonna be great... and smile through all those soy protein shakes... I can do this right? I'm a big girl.. I can do this...........( I hope )
I guess I better get to work.. I spent 3 hours on the phone yesterday instead of workign.. and before that, I was on NR all freaking morning.. I mean that is ODD.. it's been forever.. I don't even go that much now.. usually i work and stuff.. I think because I hadn't slept the night before I kinda felt I had time to spare? then my girl called and we talked and caught up before I knew it I was asleep on the couch at like 2pm.... isn't that something..? It's nice not havign to leave to go anywhere if I don't want to but jeez.. I need to get on some kinda scedule..! this february get it in gear thing is right on time I guess... I better get under my bed and see if I can find the pieces of my alarm clock.. the poor thing.....
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Monday, January 27, 2003 | it's funny how life comes around full circle
It's been snowing like crazy the last two weeks.. and cold as heck too... my skin gets dry during winter.. I can't help it and no matter what I do it's just not the usual.. it's sad really.. so I was all up in my mirror this morning.. wondering how I'll handle this "crisis" I'm in full def com mode right... all of a sudden out of nowhere, nostalgia hits!! I'm picturing one of those huge cans of evian.. my mom used to use them... I'm not sure if they even exist anymore.. but it was a huge can of evian water in an aerosol can.. it was meant to be used to spray a fine mist of pure water on your face... talk about indulgence....!! LOL.. anyway.. it just made me smile and chuckle under my breath. To think of how I used to spray the evian into my mouth of course my mom didn't know why those cans ran out so quick.. I mean I'd spray it all over my face till it looked like I was sweating then spray it in my mouth again all up in the air and stuff and pretend it was raining... boy was I a bad kid :o)... it's something to think now I would kill for something like that right now.. if I wasn't so scared to step out of my house, I might go find out if they still make those evian spray thingy's... How would I even describe it? Either way I need it. Maybe it's genetics.. or just the way things go. It's funny how life comes around full circle isn't it?
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Monday, January 27, 2003 | damn! some people are ANNOYING!!!
especially people who think they have some sort of upper-hand... I knwo what it seems like.. but I'm still in this game.. I'm a chessmaster.. and these niggaz are playing checkers!
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Thursday, January 23, 2003 | I got inspired for a new layout a few days a go.. if you're getting even SLIGHTLY excited, DON'T! Even though I started a layout in PS it doesn't mean anything will actually happen.. it might just end up being another wallpaper.. or even worse, FORGOTTEN. I'll try to make it happen though... It's 2003 and nc.com is very ready for a fresh look.
Been somewhat busy with work.. feeling somwhat burned out as well.. my neck is starting to hurt when I sit for too long on this blasted thing.. the only highlight these days is the American Idol auditions believe it or not.. it's really hard for me to accept that this is what american's are really like... there are a lot of lost people in America ( who think thy can sing.. ) A lot of homosexual men too.....
I"m PROMOSING myself that february will be the shift-to-2nd-gear month for me.. since 2003 is my year OFFICIALLY.. I have to represent.. so I"m gonng to be sceduling time to do my studying so I don't miss my May 31st deadline.. hum.. May 31st.. that time last year I was just learning flash.. I had a mint-green 'coming soon' page up.. you all remember I didn't quite make any of those coming soon dates.. people began to think my coming soon pages were layouts!! humph!! lol but yea.. 2003's May 31st is another landmark for this sweet thing... more 'gist' on that later.. :o)
I have a birthday party this weekend.. I wouldn't normally mention it but since it's officially the last weekend in january and also the last weekend before my 'get it in gear' moth.. I plan to pig out and have a lot of fun.. by february I'll be muching on carrot sticks, drinking protein enhanced fruitshakes, working all week, working out every other day AND studying on weekends!! so yeaa... I think I better unwind this weekend!
I'm looking forward to february though.. and I'm REALLY looking forward to summer.. I'm thinking Cali isn't so far away afterall... ;-)
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Tuesday, January 21, 2003 | Man, I really can't stand NIGERIANS. Everything and everyone is just a means to an end for them.. Most of the one's I've encountered are uncouth, unrefined and far from cultured. They will ask you a million questions just to avoid one simple answer. Even if they do answer, the first response is usually NO which they never come outright and say because it's usually easier for snakes to slither through the bushes than just go straight to the point. Nigerians are arrogant and predisposed to low moral stadards.
I thank God for my exposure to other races because I honestly can't stand my people.
If you're wondering why I say this.. in the last week I think I have just faced the reality that Nigerian people are BUSH at their best. They can't help but be pathetic and unscrupulous. It's a fact.
Anyone that has lived in Nigeria for more than 15-20 consecutive years is a victim to this.. and it just gets worse the longer you're exposed to that society. The shameful thing is that naija people come up here and just don't want to bend when it comes to blending into society outside of naija and giving up their waywardness EXCEPT when it comes to foolishness like foreighn fashion and faking an accent. Otherwise they are the same bushfowls they were when they left Nigeria.
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Sunday, January 19, 2003 | I've been working like a dog lately... today alone I worked 12 hrs str8... actually it's more like 15hrs but I took a break to cook and watched a movie... anyway.. it's crazy though I'm thankful because it's not as stressful as I thought it was going to be.. and it's going to get worse.. by net weekend I'mnot sure if I'll be burned out altogether or what... don'tget me wrong I'm happy to be busy after MONTHS of being bored and stressed now I'm stressed for different reasons altogether... it's unavoidable I tell ya.
I was watching a fashion show tonight.. this girl around my age won a shopping spreee for $5000 and stylists too.. I was so envious.. she looked so good after the show with her pointy shoes and everything.. ugh!! she made me sick with her $350 coat looking tight and shit.. so when am I gonna get to roll out of my house looking like a million bucks huh? humph!!! reality TV is fucking with my head big time.. this is why I don't really like watching TV anyway.. it's so hard to remind youself that this shit is all fake.. it's "produced" and life is not nearly that sweet...
I didn''t get a call I was expecting today.. I'm kind of dissappointed.. I was thinking about it earlier in the evening.. people shouldn't make false promises.. just do it when ur gonna do it.. don't fore-warn anybody because you're just making yourself look the fool... u know? as for me.. it's probably a blessing in disguise anyway!
I wish I had some spare cash to treat myself to something special tomorrow.. I guess church will have to do *sigh...
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Friday, January 17, 2003 | ...she often struggled to convince clients that she was a professional. Apparently, they envisioned [developers] as [white], tortured souls wearing black turtlenecks [and slouching over their keyboards] completely lacking in people skills and unable to utter a single sentence of english without resorting to geek speak.
Tortured soul? Hmmm..
Hopelessly addicted to [my computer]? Absolutely..
Owner of multiple black sweaters? I'd rather not answer..
All that aside, I am a professional. I harness my creative energy and combine it with business and marketing knowledge. The result is exceptional [development]. Artful and powerful expressions of my clients' businesses..
Always creative. Always compelling. Always effective. .
I SO relate to this excerpt these days..... respect
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Friday, January 17, 2003 | I am so tired : 2:55am
I am so tired... it hurts.. my body is tired
but not my mind.. my mind is awake
my mind is jumping
my eyes are still
I'm staring..
at things that don't exist..
I need to blink
blink and wake up
so I can go to sleep...
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Tuesday, January 14, 2003 | the fucking beauracracy in business is enough to drive someone insane. After thinking a certain deal was sealed come to find ou it's not even close to it.. people have to still negotiate fucking prices.. I'm really losing patience and SOME faith. Excuse my inexcusable language but who the fuck cares? so check this.. something that has been in linbo since DECEMBER might not even be done with 'negotiotions' till FEBRUARY!! I know what my sister would say... she'd say "so what's the big deal?" well. the big deal is I have such little patience for procrastination.. i know I"ve blogged about that before.. it's a HUGE pet peeve of mine.. I just don't have the stomach for it.. I can't wait on other people's b.s. I just wish people would put some pep in their step and get shit done. I mean.. this money I could have made during the month of January is not going to happen untul March I think.. meanwhile wtf am I supposed to do withthe time I'd alloted to it? I dunno I guess it's a personal thing.. I"m not irate.. just exasperated with this situation.. all the while with these people I sit and smile and say "I understand" meanwhile I'm cursing up a storm inside.... what's the big deal.? just fucking sign the papers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! okay.. so I'm telling my colleague.. maybe they don't understand the benfits.. and that the price is VERY reasonable and that they are becoming VERY fucking annoying...? maybe that will seal the deal..? and then they keep saying they need it "yesterday" meanwhil they extend the time with this bullshit.. next thing they'll want to rush ME!! and I've been wiaiting on THEM since fucking december? come on!!!! I'll tell you another reason I'm 'sorta' annoyed.. I have something else to focus on in february and I don't want these people fucking up my flow.. I want to do it hum.. in the next few weeks so I can focus on other stuff.. like finding a real job and getting some damn equity.. I need to save up some dough if I'm going to move and with these people being just plain ol SLOW it's really not vibing with what I need to be doing right about now.....
The rate things are going I was thinking august would be a good time.. I also need some fast cash for a smll investment i've been waiting to take.. it's only 4 figures but I can't bank roll it myself.. and to be frank I really don't want to.. but the person I was gong to 'borrow' the money from is sitting in jail right now.. he didn't know I was gonna ask but u know.. I was working on it... but that's all out the window now.. this is another reason I'm trying to hustle to get this money together.. I'd like that investment to be in the works for around march/april.. *sigh* I'm getting behind schedule and it's only January :-( I know I sound like a brat.. I'm nto a huge sticklerr for schedules but 2003 is another del entirely.. I have so much planned for this year.. I don't think I accomplised anything in the last 4 years compared to what I want done in 2003.. does that make any sense.. anyway we'll see hwo this little wrinkle works itself out.. I can't have anything messing up my flow right now.
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Saturday, January 11, 2003 | dang yall... I know I keep saying it but I'm so blessed.. I swear there is an anti-thesis to everythgin for real..
I remember when life was just empty and without prospect.. fuck.. not it's bursting at the seams.. I'm truly blessed.. I can't even type it all right now.. ..
anyway.. visit the links section I'm going to be positng sporadically.... no apologies necessary right ;-)
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Monday, January 06, 2003 | Ready or not, Here I come
you can't hide...
I'm so ready ready for 2003, it's scary! I mean I've got my resultions in hand, I have no money but I have the means... if you feel. Since later December, I've just been in this untouchable zone.. this 'catch me if you can' zone... everythign is just on fire.. and finally tomorrow ( or today I guess ) Monday January the 6th, 2003, my real life begins.... no more school. I've got contacts, I've got resumes. I've got projects and ideas! Who can stop me? It's my year.. the year of the RAM.. I mean it's predestined for me. In every way..
Tomorrow I have a meeting with a very nice lady, hopefully she will sign off on a project I am doing for her, this will be one of my slower one's but none theless an important one. I have some pet projects,, these are in-kind projects but I'm still excited about getting them done.. No school ( technically ) I have to submit my application for them to tell me I'm finished.. and they better not fuck around :o) Plus I got a job lead, I conviniently met my uncle who I also hope will help me out in the job thing in the comign weeks.. and I have aproject for another nice young lady who I hope will come through.. this willl be my ice cream money as they say.. once I get that.. wow.. well I better not count my chickens before they hatch... A fitting analogy actually since all these are like laying eggs... nothing has hatched but I just feel so productive already.. my mind id racing.. I feel so alive and in control it's like I grew up all in one go. Anyway, hopefully somethign hatches..
I also have been drinking a lot of fruit shakes... you might laugh.. but this is how I lost weight before.. so I'm back on that bandwagon like the rest of the world, that was one of my resolutions.. lose weight.. and get fit.. get ready for summer e.t.c. This is also important because I'm sorta broke now so I can't really go shopping.. so I have to stat wearing al the clothese I'vve been keeping for 'when I lose weight' I guess it's a girl thang.. I'm tellign you've I've been so good! I had some bread today but I haven't had any cabs in a few days! That's not so bad right.. I even cleaned my room 50%.. I have a lot of clothes to give-away, a lot of furniture to re-arrange and books to be put aaway ( hopefully for a little while since there is no more school.. I have to sort them and sort my school stuff.. and file that shit away for a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG time! ) Only thing I want to read is for my certification.. which hopefully will be in May.. I swear I'm superwoman right? But I'll be damed if I don't do it all!!!
You knw what kinda made today sweet...? ________ called... lol what a geek.. I was sleeping. I guess he'd called and I was sleeping the day before too.. I'm sleeping a lot but I need my rest right.. plus I"ve been like staying up till 7am alately I can't really help it.. I've been going like a mad hatter, making plans, taking notes for myself, sorting my finances, re-writing my goals for the next 5 years, checking my progress ( appalling I might add ), and just thinking about all the possibilities.. Actually I fantasize 99% of the time.. thinking about what I'm going to be like.. that rich-bitch.. well a nice rich-bitch.. with nice shoes and the body,hair,job,protfolio to match ( I want it all).. and a hot red suit like the St.Johns ad I have taped to my wall for motivation.. it's been there for about 2 years.. one day I'm going to be that woman.. I'm nto a huge fan of the clothing line.. but te red suit ad.. makes my mouth water.. I ripped it out of VOGUE magazine and taped it to my wall.. it's the epitome of a powerful woman.. I can't even descripbe it to you.. Basically looking at it makes me want to BE that.. simple as that. Life is just too sweet right now.. I feel so alive and stress free. I just KNOW it's going to be a beautful year... I can feel it.....
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Saturday, January 04, 2003 | What is success.
What is success...? I was asked this question.. and my mind has been racing ever since... To start with I wonder if there is a universal measuring stick you can use to judge a persons success. Or if it's individual..? Wat would be the criteria..? the objectives one woul d have to attain to be 'successful'? In what area's of life would one have to excel to lay in your death bed and say "I've succedded" or is it all just a fictionry thing.. something we chase after but know nothing of.. like LOVE?
And so i think.. I ponder these things.. for a good hour.. I know I can answer these things for my self very easily... Success is having NO debit balances.. Sucess is having all my original teeth at 70+, success is having babies and a good man who smiles when he see's me.. success is learning to control my temper.. or rather.. my emotions... success is having a car and never having to worry about change for gas. Success is R %26 R.. Success is waking up without an alarm clock.. success is not having to punh in.. success is not havign to wear a uniform.. or walk/work in anyone's shadow.. and yes.. success is a shitload of money.. I'm talking D-O-U-G-H in all capitals.. I'm talking "your penthouse or mine"... I'm talking "drinking cristal til I P*ss the shit" ask biggie... that's success to me.. being happy and at ease with life.. success is having a walk in closet that is bigger tham my living room.... success is having carpet in my bathroom.. or heated marble like MC Hammer... cuz I'd be too rich to walk on cold floors...
So that's me... very easy right..? I just need a lottery... but some people.. who answered the question.. had other things to say.. things abou family, happiness.. and I wonder.. yes I love my family.. but I don't think success TO ME is based on how much they love me.. I dunno maybe that's just me.. we're all cool we're family no doubt but they will love me regardless right..? rch or poor.. so if I'm already successful now, what else is there to work for? should I just chill nd work at the mall..? could I still call myself successful while I'm taking th ebus.. because my family loves me..? get real..! Anyway, that sounds kinda cold.. I know.. but it's whatever.. it's REAL.. I want success to be soemtheing that wasn't pre-determined.. I want it to be something I WORKED FOR.. something that happened almost by accident.. I want to be that success story! you know? like who is that chick.. in the gold caddy? where'd she come from?... That's success to me.. The "how" doesn't really matter.. All money is Legal... so it doesn't matter hwo u make it really.. just as long as you got it.. and you don't have to hide out.. if your'e rich and you can still walk around the street.. that's success.. I wouldn't want to be famous, I wouldn't want to be a whore or a thief for my money.. because then I couldn't have ALL my dignity...
Anywa, so I was thinking.. that's my definition.. what's the world's..? how dissimilar is it from my... as hypercritical as the world is of filthy-rcih people don't we all look up to them.. and think "if only that was me" no one ever got rich and wouldn't do it all over again.. and if you'd do something twice you know you must love doing it right..? you can't make a mistake twice... it's impossible... anyway.. I came to the decision.. that in life as we know it today, success is about happiness. and happiness is about compfort.. and Comfort is about security... The more of these you have, the more successful you probably are... ( my personal formula ) it's funny hwo while those are what you can say makes a successful person.. people have to be without those things to crave success... the irony...
I hope no one reads too much into this.. it's just words off the top of my head... sorry about the typos.. "proofreading is for poooooosies".
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Thursday, January 02, 2003 | You know some poems are really songs... and some songs are really poems...
Since I don't have you - James Beaumont
I don't have plans and schemes
And I don't have hopes and dreams
I don't have anything
Since I don't have you
I don't have fond desires
And I don't have happy hours
I don't have anything
Since I don't have you
I don't have happiness
And I guess, I never will ever again
When you walked out on me
In walked on misery
And he's been here since then
I don't have love to share
And I don't have one who cares
I don't have anything
Since I don't have you
I don't have love to share
And I don't have one who cares
I don't have anything
Since I don't have you
You
You
You
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Wednesday, January 01, 2003 | Happy New Year Everybody! It's like 9am I can't even believe I'm up!!! Anyway I prayed and hopefully this year will be a blessed year. Amen.
Oh, the sick and twisted life of Jennifer Lopez.. I'm beginning to wonder to myself if the stuff I read is really true? Did anyone else read about a list she gave Ben Affleck..? Like a marriage contract..? and I quote:
the grand Diva demand list has to be the one she gave hubby to-be Ben Affleck, which includes a $5 million fine if he strays. Insiders told Star magazine that her demands include a requirement that they have sex at least four times a week and a $1 million fine for lying.
Wow... I'm just stunned at how trivial marriage has become... maybe that is part of the luxury she has been afforded for being a "serial-bride".. she knwos exactl what will happen so why not make some money off of it while you're at it? I can feel you on that ma.. it's ridiculous. I was thinking today about the whole puffy situation.. would she have left if the court thing hadn't happened..? I mean Shyne is still in jail over that shit..! Alot of lives were ruined.. it's insane. Anyway, I was thinking to myself, she was with pufy longer than any one else.. any of ther husbands and even longer than Ben ( as of today's date ) if I remember they were together for a little over 2 years.. so I wonder what it is..? Is she the on'e that has changed.. why do women get that way anyway..? Her head has swollen beyond belief. I don't claim to knwo why but I"m sure it has to do with all the gifts she gets.. ad her lavish life.. Who wouldn't want to have a fiance ash you a $25,000 watch..? How sweet it ( would be ). Poor Ben Affleck is pussy whipped.. I'm not suprised.. I am not suprised.. check out the proof:
What should our buddy Ben Affleck try to resolve to change in 2003? He should certainly watch his cash flow. While catering to every wish of J.Lo's he's spent a fortune on goodies like a new Ferrari, a $3.5 million house in Beverly Hills, a $25,000 diamond Rolex watch for his gal and a matching platinum Rolex for her lucky mother. Then there's that famous Harry Winston engagement ring that features a gigantic pink 6.1-carat diamond worth a whopping $1.1 million. While I'm sure the credit card companies adore young Ben and he is indeed making millions per picture, his non-stop burning of the Benjamins could land him in some hot water down the road. Just
by the time he really does get broke, J.Lo will be on her next man... I think she is my hero.. as crazy as her life is.. she doesn't follow any of her husbands down the drain. she just keeps moving up and up, richer and more famous.. so why should she be concenred with us mere humans..?
Anyway you can read it all yourself
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