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Monday, August 26, 2002 | I've been here working on a site... I thot it looked great.. but you know something wasn't quite right.. I kinda put the proj aside to surf and post for a little while.. and I come across this site.. and it was just so... TIGHT....some crisp work that makes me think "why do i even bother?". There are people that would design circles around me, make me dizzy with their talent and probably die laughing at my attempts... It's like no matter how good I think I've "gotten" however much time I spend contemplating, or putting soemthing together, someone's work is out there to put me right back in my place. I know nothing.
There is nothing more melancholy than a HUGE slice of humble pie. Right now I'm not even feeling the design thing.. it's starting to feel like work. I feel I have so much to accomplish. Will I be able to give what it takes? I really don't know the answers.. this is again another huge decision I have to make. I have to pick a path... either what I love doing, what I don't mind doing or what I've been trained to do. What a mess my mind is right now... even when my friend called from birmingham this morning, I wasn't as ecstatic as I usually am... I was happy.. I mean I smiled.. but it's like I've lost some of my joy just because of all the stress decisions bring. So what will I do? I've been trying to decide for a good year now. I'm still learning don't get me wrong, things aren't stagnant but there is no progress in that area whatsoever... I thought information and testing the waters would enlighten me and make my decision easier but apprently that is not the case... of course this is assuming there is even an answer.. some sort of relief to this torment.. it can't be just a cruel joke thrust upon me as punishment from another life? it's really maing me sick. I need to step up. and find an answer.
my friend jokingly said I should come to the UK and marry him ( when I asked him how all his "girls" are doing )... and you know what? for a second, I was reaaaaaaaally tempted. I really do miss having him around, but it's not like that. The only thing that was tempting to me was the idea of not having any worries... no stress.. no pressure.. no life changing decisions where I'd be solely to blame if things crashed and burned.. at least there'd always be someone to fall back on? right...? bah! that's a load of crap.. he's as unstable as I am what am I even saying! well... it's still nice to think of the p.o.s.s.i.b.i.l.i.t.y.
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Thursday, August 22, 2002 | have you ever had that feeling when you wish you could rewind time... like the crag david video? just stop life and rewind.. fix yourself up a little and then press play? yea.. so I was deep in traffic today. rush hour traffic. cut throat/ move bitch get out the way type traffic.. I'm about 15mins behind and 2 places away from home.. no drink, and the sun is bah-lazing and I'm sitting there roasting. I'm about 30 cars behind the red light.. I'd eaten not too long ago and.............................. well to put it blatantly sth was stuck between my teeth! gross - I know for me to be talking about it but trust me it gets worse..... I'd been struggling with my tongue to work it out kinda.. I caught my reflection in my rear view so I'm there all engulfed in what I'm doing ( trying to get it out lol ).. my lips a mere inch away from the glass in the rear view, thinking of how I have to get home yada yada.. when out of no where I hear my name.. "oh damn"..and you know.. for a second in the back of my mind time kinda stops? it stops just long enough for you to say "oh shit" this would be where you'd press the rewind button if there was one.. before you even look over to see who it was right...? I mean it never fails what kinda timing is that????... anyway, so I look over and it's a long time friend.. I had to give a huge smile ( big enough to cover my embarrassment ) I yelled a chirpy "what's up!!" but I had thet "oh gawd" feeling... we had quick a chit chat right there in traffic... the line-up starts moving.. I'm still feeling weird but I'm trying to play everything off like I"m "cool like dat" but I'm really thinking... "did they see?" anyway sha.. we kept on talking all the way till I had to turn.. driving side by side people were honking and everything but who cares right.... lol we're the kind of people that other people [wanna] kill... :o)
Thinkig about it it's not that bad still... but you know it would have been better if it had never happened that way to begin with... but whatever.... we're supposed to go to the gym together some time soon... or "a walk" lol we'll see..
I just watching access granted with Aaliyah of course.... I was never a huge Aaliyah fan but it's just so sad.. they showed her swimming and laughing and stuff.. very eeire. the most eeire part was the beginning of the actual video when she walks along the beach ( with the sunset behind her ) and then turns and walks towards the camera, and kneels down.. you don't really see her face just her silhouette... it's the kind of scene I'll think about when I remember her I think... and the one shot of her on a rollercoaster where she was screaming.. don't ask me why but for some reason those are what stood out to me... it's so sad really... we're around the same age... I remember when I heard... I heard actually an hour from now I think it was 8:30 pm... or so I just couldn't believe it! Aaliyah..? dead? uh-uh.. well it was all too real.. I might offer a rare picture of her as a wall paper in my papers section.. I don't know if I wanna share it though hehehe...
I can't wait for it to be saturday already! had a chat with ___ this is a good thing... I've got my answers actually it all kinda went better than I'd though... I love it when people recognize my voice right away.. from the minute I say "hi" it made me smile... and I guess that just set the tone for the whole convo... this is a good thing lol
peassssss
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Sunday, August 18, 2002 | Slowly surely,
I walk away from
that old desperate and dazed love
caught up in the maze of love
the crazy craze of love
thought it was good
thought it was real
thought it was
but it wasn't love
I just don't know
Where i should go
So
Slowly surely
I walk away from
self-serving
undeserving
constantly hurting me love
deserting me love
you said, I said, we said
but
Slowly surely
I walk away from
confusing love
misusing love
abusing love
this can't be
yes people.. today was a Jill Scott day.. I don't really have much to say.. I've just been soaking in some good lyrics. whetting the spitirual.. today is sunday afterall.. so when is there a better time to heal and recover.. and replenish my mind, my body, my soul.... jill scott helped. It's not only about love its about slowly, surely becoming a stronger person... a more unbreakeable me.
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Friday, August 16, 2002 | a project I've been involved in is winding down... and that makes me feel very weird.. I don't really know why but I'm in this melancholy mood. Am I too attached to the proj?
Or am i afriad to move on to the next? it's basically a stepping stone. I really had this whole summer planned out. finishing this one ( however behind schedule ) is a big step towards getting the "big" one completed.. and after that... wow. I don't even know! I've been waiting for the big one.. for almost a year. once school starts, I'm hoping all these will be out of the way. I am ridiculously happy.. something equal to a muted excitation thinking about bing one step closer to a landmark project.... but why do I feel so... sad? maybe because I've put so much of myself into these few steps I might have over-extended myself? I don't feel tired though, I am really looking forward to doing that project I think about it every minute of the day as is.. it's a strange thing. and at the same time I wonder to myself, if I'm feeling this way about this project how will I feel after the big one?
These are the times, I feel most alone... because it's almost like I really can't share it with anyone. Sharing too much might make the realization of it less potent.. less sweet.. less mine. how selfish right..? yea selfishness is a lonely place indeed.... I know this. But I need this to prove to everybody else... so maybe I'm not really doing this for myself after all?
apparently the weather is as confused as I am... it snowed today.
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Thursday, August 15, 2002 | No panties coming off/ My love is gonna cost/ Ain't no way you're gonna get up in this for free! hehehe I mean, you just gotta love trina... I heard trina's no panties song today and I'm really feeling it... Trina doesn't joke I like her because she cuts to the chase.
speaking of cutting.. my site has been down for 3 days.. I know. Actually I didn't know but a friend told me about it a few days a go so I've been keeping an eye out.. and I'm really not too pleased about it.
should be talking to my cuz'n tonight to talk about this trip thingy.. I'm getting the feeling it might not happen anymore and that makes me so sad. I've been looking forward to it so much *sob* and I"ve told everybody about it without thinking *sob* and now I just feel so dumb! Not even because of all that but because if I stay I know this whole summer would just be .... so DRY! I mean I know I accomplished a lot.. a ton actually. It's been a productive summer all in all but since when is productive cool? I dunno being grown up sucks big time.. if I had any real balls I'd just leave tomorrow without any clothes or money... forget sense/cents and sensibility and run my hot little self down to the west coast by the shortest route possible. ( oh! to be 18 again )
anyway enough of that. my friends had twins earlier this summer.. she lives in my city, we used to go to school together but she quit so she could do the housewife thing.. and with all the wedding palava ( if you read this blog often enough you know that palava = drama ) anyway with all the wedding stuff, new baby stuff I'm really starting to feel stifled by this womanhood thing... wow that's really a big topic I think i'll save it for another day. I haven't slept since this morning ( lol that sounds funny doesn't it ) and right now (4pm) my eyes are feeling very droopy... I wish i had energy to go to the gym. oooooooooooooh I wish i was going on my vacation!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I had had my whole hairstyle planned and everything.. started my pre-pedicure pedicure and I even got a new pair of sandals!!! *cries* I think I really deserve this... in fact I know I do. I'll have to really try to make this happen.... it would be a crying shame if my summer ends without me going.
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Thursday, August 08, 2002 | I'm dooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooone!
I did it!! I'm so happy it's not even funny I had to scream right after because today was a particularly stressful day and I thought for some reason I would freeze or not grasp as much. THANK GOD that didn't happen!! I've had enough of FIFO algorithms LRU MFU have left me feeling VFU lol!! Was so happy after that I felt likt throwing the inch-thick notes str8 up in the air and watch them float down like huge pieces of confetti while I drove away into the sunset :o) lol but there is the who littering thing so I just threw them into my back seat lol I wasn't even mad at the bug-a-boo security guard for walking me to my car as he usually does after every class if he's quick enough to catch me. I always insiste I"ll be fine since I park RIGHT infront of my school lol you know it's like a few steps to my car but he'll walk me anyway... damn pest! So glad though I will miss watching his hadns as he holds my door open.. I just don'ttrust thte he won't try sometyhing while I'm getting in.. perv like him.. he aasked me when my finals were and I said tomorrow.. hey its not a lie I still have another one tomorrow.. but if he knew he would never see me again.. I know that would have been like a PAINFUL conversations capable of giving me a painful migraine and tonight NOTHING was going to ruin my job... I blasted the music.. put my foot flat on the gass.... a free woman is a DANGEROUs thing!
I still have one more to knock out... but it's all coding so I'll be a'ight.. and then. my summer begins! pray for me yall :p
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Wednesday, August 07, 2002 | gosh so much is going on right now it's not EVEN funny. it's nice to be busy but then on the other hand I miss being bored... I have a lot of personal projects and I'm trying to put then in my DONE folder.. u know? you will soon see some of what I mean.. some.. there are plenty that I have not even started because doing so, I know how engorssed I get in projects my whole summer would be consumed and I can't have that. I'm looking for tickets like a mad woman and I have not been very successful a friend told me aboue expedia and that is the closest to cheap I have come.. cheap being 500 CAN. I'm still happy though now all I have to do now is find the money *big grin*
anyywa, I also have to make a cheat sheet for my exam.. I can not remember all that code and I don't intend to try.. so I'll be doing that probably tomorrow night.. I'm really excited because come thursday.. I will be a free woman!! no school! yipeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!! I've been waiting for this day since registration shit! what's really sad though is that I haven't even started studying for my one exam on operating systems.. sad as it is. I'm avoiding it like the plagye I am one hour behind now I was to start an hour ago but I had to reply so many emails.. finish convos and search ticketmasters and a bunch of other ish that is really just an excuse to not study ( like coming here to blog ) lol!! I have serious issues right? I'll pass. I better! This exam is going to be a killer though.. 85% memorizaiont.. actually 100% because the coding still requires us to know wtf we're doing right.. I should pratise some shell scripts.. I will be at school by 8am tomorrow to study and cram like whoa.. I've done it before.. if you remember frm my previous blog I did this for a 3rd level networking class hahaha maaaaan.. no one can say school is easy.. being a student is like living as a second class citizen.. how unlawful to spend a WHOLE summer day studying? that's some ish..
anyway, aside form thet I have to send my friend some baby gifts ( she had twins ) I might have blogged that as well not too sure what I blog these days though i try to keep some things underG it seems things slip inadvertantly because two people have asked me who my boyfi is and I'm like.... huh? *blinks innocently*
my nephew too needs a gift been playing phone tag with some peeps for like 3 weeks now and I'm sure they have given up on me.. haven't been blogging so you might be wondering JUST what I've been doing? heheheheheeh *whispers* 'it's a seeeecret'.
I wonder how Caribana was.. maybe next year.. I might actually end up in toronto this summer.. don't you just LOVE not knowing?!
wish me luck on my exams yall! peas!
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