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Monday, July 29, 2002 | haven't been feeling so inpsired to blog lately... it's been a few days. and will probably be a few more. just wanted to write another note of thanks to all those who cared enough to leave notes/PM's/emails about my firends death and how I'm coping.. I'm feeling terribly spoiled but I'll stay strong as I've been told to. I've found other ways to take my mind off it and it's been working I guess...
Talked to ____ it's like I can't smile wide enough when we speak.... so sweet :o)
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Friday, July 26, 2002 | Isn't it funny how something can be here one day and gone the next? kind of like my site, kind of like life. Losing my friend has been one of the factors that has made 2002 such a 'real' year for me. I have had to really sit back and see what life is really all about, not that I'm less innocent/naive because I think we all stay that wayy depp inside but you know you really get a taste of how guresome and unyeilding life can really be. I'm not afraid of dieing, nor am I sorry that people have passed, it's just a time for reflection and hence my quote of ecclesiates yesterday.. there is a season for everything. You can't feel sorry for something that is bound to happen, I guess all we can do is sit and ponder ( this could be classified as waiting ).
She was buried yesterday, true to form, I got lost and missed the service but I found the church in time to join the 200 or so other cars that made up her funeral procession. Where I live isn't really a small town, well some might classify it as such but it's really not that small. But from the sea of sullen drawn faces I saw people from all walks of my life, people from my club life, people from my school life people from my work life and people from my life in general ( like the lady who runs the hair shop ). It's just so funny how death can fill so much holes. Of course there was no time for the "where have you been and what are you up to now" conversations taht usually follows when you see an old face, mostly I avoided eye contact because I somehow felt insignificant and felt my little trials and tirbulations ( parking ticket ) that had consumed my life just 24 hrs before this.. seems so LITTLE. These people are mourning a daughter, mother, friend, and she was 24/25! I'm still in shock.
So, I've never been in a funeral procession before, I can't even remember seeing one in real life. We were moving at a very slow pace which usually means I had time to think... I was thinking about how life would go on withouth her for those she was with everyday like her bf. How her father would cope knowing he had outlived his daughter.. and that this wasn't the first loss he'd had to the same cause of death... not to speak too much about it but it's the same thing that claimed her mother's life. It's just so sad. I also noticed how much young people were there.. which is to be expected because she herself was very young.. and looked much younger than she was too... anyhoo writing this is making me sad I don't think I can write it all as I had planned to but seeing so many young faces scared me to death, youth is no protection from life.. it's not even a guanrantee that you'll PASS it.. like you know we make so much plans for our lives, we live, we cruise through thinking there will be a time when we can 'start' being adults or what not.. I dunno it's all just messed up I was thinking about a ton of stuff yesterday.. when they lowered her casket into the ground it was a very surreal feeling. I didn't go to the showing but I could just imagine her lieing in the casket... about to be BURIED. tons of sand/dirt thrown on her... wasn't this the same person I'd had salad with not too long ago? laughed with? her father's sobs were the loudest and when people started calling out "I love you" I couldn't take it... I dropped my single white rose into the open grave and I was gone before it hit her casket. six feet deep.
I appreciate the words of condolence I recieved, it's always a shock but so nice to see that people are really nice and thoughtful.
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Wednesday, July 24, 2002 | Storming outside, rain he keeps me home.
I wish the rain outside was as as sweet as Carl Thomas' summer rain. I still can't believe it's the END of July.. where has this summer gone? I just walked in from school it's very sunny outside but the summer rain keeps pouring. Had to pull an all nighter at school last night, charming these old security guards into believeing I'm supposed/allowed to be there after hours when in fact I wasn't to being so cold my skin was ashy( eeew I know I know ),but then half way through, a quiet conversation made me warm... soo warm.... I blame the summer rain it could've whispered me to sleep and woke me up again sometimes I swear I hear him call my name to wash away the pain...
I swear things have gotten so bad, I finally make it out of that school, after having to put a little spice in my day by being a bit uncooperative with a very nice security guard who spoke with a smile on his face because some teacher told me to leave and I said "no!" that he shoud teach his class and move on... who is he to boot me out. he asked for my student ID I asked him for his! what b.s. the security gueard said "I know you're a good girl" lol I had to smile at that... things like that get so many men in so much trouble... I hope they never learn. I said I don't mind if it rains forever
Was feeling bitter sweet.. ok more on the bitter than sweet. The only sweet in me was all the snack's I'd bought to keep me awake during my 12hrs plus 'shift' at school. Feeling a hyper energy but too tired to even lift my feet... I was blinking r e a l l y slowly and I seemed to be walking backwards through the hallways... saw a friend of mine and like a court date I dodged him...I have a rep to protect you know... thinking about so many things I completely forgot that the day time instructors might need their parking spot.... and yep you guessed it... $50 Parking ticket.... I said Let it rain, rain, let it rain - go ahead and make it rain
Funny how I'd been looking for $24 measely USD to pay for a year of hosting and now I get slapped in the **** with a worthless fine? fuck a parking inconvinience where am I supposed to find the money?!?!?! omg! I need to get home. I know I owe three people ( myself included ) a very hot shower something to bring my sunshine back again - tender touches to wash away the rain....I slipped in my car, and you know the first song that played (to wash away my pain).... Summer rain
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Monday, July 22, 2002 | Mystikal has a serious case on his hands.. you would think after the whole r.Kelly smell-o-rama-drama people would curb their freakiness SOME.. or at least not TAPE the ish! Anyway, I love Mystikal and all but not as much as I hate rapists... we'll see him when he gets out of jail.. I mean what was he thinking!?! I didn't think he did it until I read this about the videotape.... this is seriously weakening my faith in artists not 'living' what they rap about... you know?
my next question is how long do you think it will take for the video to 'leak'...? eeeeew!!
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Saturday, July 20, 2002 | just read yesterday's blog... lol that ish makes me laugh. I got back online today at around 7pm I stayed for an hour talking to a friend, thought he might be able to solve it.. actually that's a lie I thought he was the cause of it.. he wasn't. I"m not stressing though, these things evaporate like water... besides, it's just the internet.
So I left my friend online.. headed out the door. Friday, July *sumthin* and I have a LOT of coding to do, I have VB to code and I have stored procedures giving me errors because of some ambiguois missing bracket or what not.. 2 hrs later I figure out it's not a brakcet but a comma.. yes this is my life. I"m happy regardless... a friday night well spent. In the back of my mind I"m thinking of the ADO's I have to filter through and batch processing I have to get done this weekend, but this is only to hide the fact that I am mising a HUGE wedding tomorrow. HUGE. I"m mad and I'm sad but I knew I wouldn't go.. not because of my projects ( cuz you know I'd drop it as fast as a groupie drops her panties.. haha but u know.. ) it was because I know there will be drama at that wedding if I step foot in there.. I"ll only end up miserable and vehemently regretting the 3hr drive to and fro... so I cut my loses at a new dress and some bangin shoes.. I still mad though.
So right now I"m chilling with a pal of mine.. he's coding .asp and we're both up to our ears in errors... both shaking our head at the screens. like 'what is WRONG with you' lol we had a very deep convo.. one of those 'what are we doing in life' type of convo's very enlightening.. and actually speaking with him help me put all these events in my life in somewhat of a perspective. There should never be a time when one thing consumes your mind... never. our mind is our only weapon... so pointing it in one direction alone leaves you open at the other 359 degrees... u feel? I was upset about what happened today... i admit i laughed for a while.. I mean this is the second time. I sat and thought about it and I thought, there is nothing that can be done to me that I can't do back. Lucky for me I have more scruples than that. I can't stoop. Too much pride. I'm too sexy for that as they'd say lol... so I've taken a backseat I'm going to watch and craft my only tool.. not for attack... but for defense.
Mumia has proven time and again that one shouldn’t accept things for face value because there is always a story behind everything.[Re: my previous blog]
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Friday, July 19, 2002 | the weirdest things keep happening to me.. I swear. I think I have been e-cursed.
so, a few minutes ago, everybody and their mama was online.. then the minute something crazy happens.. they're all offline. This happens all the time ( it actually gets worse ) I'm so not trusting anything online right now so you'll have to decipher the real meaning of this blog for urself by urself....
at this point when the unimaginable happens... I seek the help of someone I don't really know but I know they can help... I am a little afraid of this person so you can imagine my horror and excitement when they jump online within minutes of my request... mixed feelings... but Candy had to be brave. After a brief convo which was actually very differeent than our normal type of convo's ( I blame myself for all those bad days on MSN because I know I hold back too much ) anyway, after all of this w get down to why we're even talking.... Candy has been erased... someone has picked up my little bread crumbs and now I couldn't find my way home... this person is my onStar... my only satelitte link back to my comfy fairytale x-istence as the i that see's nothing.
Finishing my banana slurpee with what could be miscontrued as a sly grin on my face ( but is really the straw contorting my lips because I'm chewing on it because I'm nervous because I don't know why anyone would want to e-curse me.. because I'm so sweet u see? ) I'm listening to my e-somebody and hoping he wont front. He didn't... except what he says he did and at the time I truly believed he did.. didn't happen!
ok... so it's lunch time. This means, I have one hour to kill. I email my e-eixef... very vague as he likes it and he sends me back an RE: more vague than I thought he could be.. and he's pretty vague yall. ok... so I get e-shunned. This isl fine... MSN is still empty.. no one is answering their phone.. and my crisis has another 34 minutes and 19 seconds before lunch time is over! So I play with my .com fix one thing.. restart my computer ( paranoia ) and I go to yahoo..... empty ( don't worry it's usually empty I'm sure the e-curse didn't affeect that.. ) ok so.. still have lots of time to kill... I reply mr. o-paque, hopefully he can't tell how shunned I feel... was hoping with his bird's eye view of situations ( background ) he could drop some knowledge to help me get found again )... I'm doubting that will happen.
my phone rings.. I ignore it. I'm sure it's just an attention trap. I pay enough for voice mail.. leave a message. I hope my boxes aren't full. I have to be somewhere at 1pm. I still can't reply. I still can't open. I still can't answer.....
everyone in my house is either sleeping or not home.. all the windows are closed... the only light is from my monitor. and now.. I'm at my blog. I'm feeling Just Right. c-real. so I milk it. *searching for cutlery* I'm wondering how far this e-curse has gone... *reminds herself to empty all boxes* all my frozen s-kittles are gone. it's a spooky world out there... why me? is this really happening? you can never understand this.. you would have to know me too well to know wtf I'm talking about.. and I can never let that happen.
*closes down all her windows muttering 'there is no spoon', 'there is no spoon' *
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Thursday, July 18, 2002 | I just realized that schooll is almost over.. and for a moment I was truly happy. I remeber at the beginning of the summer there were 8 labs we had to go through.. I just felt "oh lawd... this is going to be a never ending summer of p.a.i.n." well two months later.. the end is in sight.. we just did our Lab 6 on monday.. so I took tonight off. I'm very pleased. My summer is different than I had planned but school is my priority and that's that. What's a girl to do?
My other class is there. I admit I have been there but haven't 'been there' for a good week.. it's a surreal type of thing.. I'm bored to tears even though there is tons to do.. I guess I'm too used to my last minute scrambling and all nighters to meet these lab deadlines.. I had planned to go today ( no class today ) so I could work on the lab but since I had decided to take the day off I thought why ruin my day coding stored procedures and VB? yea.. so that idea went right out the window.. I didn't do anythign all day and I have to be honest,it was a day well spent..
Eve's new video is out.. been hearing about the song for a minute.. the song is mediocre. But what's up with Eve's hair? I think she's trying to be the black Gwen Stefani or something.. just like lil Kim and Pamela Anderson... it's just sick.. But at least she's trying.. I mean look at Alicia Keys.. she's had the same style for like.... how long? Plus it doesn't really sound like her on the hook.. anybody could have sung it.. nothing special ( like "how come you don't call me anymore" ) that's the Ailcia we know.. this is a bit too smuuuv...
Plus.. what's all this talk abou Nelly getting a sitcom on UPN? hum!! interesting.......
anyway...
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Wednesday, July 17, 2002 | Jobs.. Jobs Jobs.
over the past 24 hours give or take this is all everyone seems to want to talk about... and it's never good news. 4 of my e-pals are having on the job drama.. and it's not funny. either they're about to lose their job, lost it or want to quit. lol. the whole spectrum.. so in other words 100% are looking for new jobs. So how messed up is this and how dispearing a reflection is this on employment stability in todays world.
It might be a coincidence that all these people are black.. but I won't beat that dead horse.. instead we'll talk about some situations in todays job market and some reasons why it doesn't work ( not just for the black race ) but in general.
bottoms up processing
Since this whole enron/world com/ martha stewart palava ( you should know that means DRAMA by now ) it's become increasingly obious that the little man stands to gain NOTHING. It's simple and by now I'm sure you've read a million articles ( or blogs as the case may be ) about this topic.But I'm saying, how can we get ahead realize our dreams and still play fair? Well to be frank it's not possible or these rich folks would have figured out a way to do it now. There is no way to get ich or even be stable if you are working in a middle to lower end position. It's not the place to be.... I mean while we're on the bottom getting shitted on by everything but the pigeons who is looking out for US? right.. you know the answer. nobody! There will never be a boss who is willing to stick his neck out for an employee unless that employee happens to be his friend. It just couldn't happen. you can't be an asshole and still be 'liked' you might be the best to have ever done your job but face it if they don't like you you are fired. simple as that. There are numerous ways to shit on the good people below.. ask middle management they get CEO shit on them everyday.. they aren't any better. I once had a boss who was basically a parrot.. a hand puppet for the nameless and the faceless.. those are the kind of people that get to middle management and stay there.. they know how to handle shit.. thye just PASS it right on to YOU. Oh don't get me wrong, they still get shitted on.. but believe me.. it doesn't get cleaned up at that level.. that's YOUR job.
Hi Ho Hi Ho It's off to work I go
Another friend of mine got some small job a networking gig.. I can tell he feels like God's gift to MSN but you know.. I humour him. Meanwhile he's more than happy to be part of the corporate world.. part of that daily grind.. always with the 'I'm off to work' talk but I can see he is missing the bigger picture.. a job ain't nothing but work! It's all good.. but really it's only a means to an end.. people are too attached to their JOBS! It's begun to define them, they use it as a status symbol, it becomes a huge priority in their life and gradually consumes their life day by day.. hour by hour.. 15 minute break by 15 minute break.. they feel they are ahead of the game because 'they have a secure/stable job' please wake up you are about to get a special delivery of ____!! And it's funny how after giving their all only to get a pink slip at the end of it all, they wonder what happened.. they mutter to themselves "why didn't they see how hard I was working, how much times I put in overtime, the saturdays I came in, the breaks I missed, the time I did so and so's work, the time the boss patted me on the back.... what about that?" right... another one bites the dust..
In closing these are just random thoughts.. I didn't touch on a lot because there is just too much ish out there too much shade and not enough sun. My take on the whole scenario though: dont be too attached to your job ;it's just a job.. if you find a job you love it's different than just working away at a task in front of you 'because its your job' you know? My message to the masses is work to live don't live to work.. I'm definitely not an expert but I do know that the people who are happy and secure in their job are happy because they found the right job for them.. we shouldn't be bothered with losing jobs.. just means it wasn't the right one for ya!
In my short experience in the work force I've learned that there will never be enough money... expect the unexpected and never trust white people. Just do your job and go home early.. look out for you. You will NOT get rich from any job.. just use it to pay your bills and invest in something.
"these are just my thoughts people" - jay z
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Sunday, July 14, 2002 | Rachelle Farrel is going to be on BET's Jazz special tonight I think. I can't wait for that.
Saw this poem today... Pussy By Ishle Yi Park. I think it's as interesting as it is crass.. I suspect there won't be any comments on it though lol
another interesting read....... nigger
question: are black americans too obsessed with the word 'nigger'?
hint: this is not rhetorical... let me know..
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Saturday, July 13, 2002 | Word on the skreet is there is going to be an HIV positive muppet on Sesame Street. ( Take a minute to think about that ). You can read about it here.
Now I'm all for HIV awareness.. and I actually think it's a good idea.. however misplaced. Good intention. But since it's in this blog you know I have to flip it how I see it right? First off, they intent to use a 'muppet' that is from south african. I will talk about the implied racism later if I have time but I'm thinking... why does ur muppet friend have to even be from Africa? AIDS/HIV is a worldwide problem I wish they would stop trying to assig it to a continent. I have no idea what exactly they are trying to do.. or have happen by having this muppet be a part of the show.. I can only assume that they are trying to create awareness, reduce phobia's of HIV infected individuals, and probably get parents talking to their kids about this subject. BUT, an someone please tell me what are the side effects of this.. keeping in mind the muppet in question is from Africa. I can already imagine conversations starting like this "you see becky, in some parts of the world they have aids" humph! I mean.. just how do they expect parents to tell their kids about AIDS. Now if this same muppet was from that specific country ( preferrably with the country withheld ) I"m very sure things could be better explained without creating brand new phobia's of African people.. I mean aren't there enough?
Another sad thing that this brings to mind is thesituation of AIDS in africa. I've read several articles and the stats never seem to amaze me. On one hand I feel very disgusted and on the other hand I feel very helpless... I'm not saying that just because I'm in N.A. that I'm somehow safe from it but it just brings to light just how dire the situation in Africa is. The chances are flabbergasting.. I mean 40% of women? 1 in 9? gosh... I'm shaking my head just typing this. Where is the future of Africa if half ou children are born with a terminal illness? Why is the case in africa spreading three times a s fast as in other parts of the world. What can we as africans do to save our selves? The first thing is to face facts as facts... kill myths and make a progressive move forward TOGETHER.. yes I know this sounds like a lot of 'save the world' ish we've heard pretty much all our lives.. but why is it so hard to realize this? It just makes me sad. so so sad. This isn't our country.. it's an adopted home.. yet we are part of it's success and on the other side of the coin we are part of africa's stagnant state. ( depreciating even ).
SO I'm sitting here.. asking myself.. (I'm sitting in class right now).. and I"m thinking.. what can I do? me.. twenty something female african student... what can I do? will I even remember this tomorrow? will I even care tomorrow? now that's what is really sad... I'll have to think of this more... and I really need to start watching more sesame street.
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Thursday, July 11, 2002 | so many weddings around me.. and we just found out there is a new one in the works. My aunt this time... *exhale* this will make 4 this year.
The second one is going to be in 2 weeks.. I'm erisously wondering if I want to go.. I missed the wedding shower on purpose. I have no real intention of going to the bacholerette party either.. word of a stripper didn't make it better. I'm just not in the mood. I remember last year when my friend got engaged it was the shock of the town every girl was walkign on cloud 9 because of the way he did it. He lives in another city right.. he came up with his whole family, and between him, his family and her family, they organized a suprise birthday party for her.. invited every single person she knew.. she was so suprised.. but then the poor girl could have been knocked out with a feather when he went on one knee and asked her to marry him in front of everybody.. wow.. it was very sweet and well planned. Too bad I missed it ( tee-hee ) hahahaha.. I'm so bad for that.
Anyway, I do wanna go but gosh I'm just not feeling it for some reason.. the bachelorette party is on friday.. If I go I'll be sure to give all the details.
I can't believe they want to give Allen Iverson 61 years...? He didn't kill anybody.. meanwhile what about these crazy ass white cops? America is a different place boi.. I don't know what he was thinking.. I always wonder how some guys get so crazy over girls they just lose their damn minds
comments added... I'm not too pleased with how it turned out but my hands are tied.. I might try playing with this to see how it turns out..
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Wednesday, July 10, 2002 | Funny Flirt I had today... I don't know why but the geek in me just loves stuff like this *grin*
modizel phat site....like the eye candy
icandy [a.k.a naijacandy] "phat....like eye candy" hum...... I'm sensing a hidden message
modizel
vi iCandy
ifconfig qfe0 up
ping -s 255.255.255.255
:wq!
chmod 700 iCandy
touch iCandy
./iCandy
iCandy hahahaha trying to flirt shell scripting style! humph that's a new one..
vi respondtoMod
declare -i Candys_phatness = 10000000000
declare -i Mods_game = 0
while [ $Candys_phatness -gt $Mods_game ]
do
.shakara
done
echo "you know you want me. and I know you know I'm fly! "
chmod 777 respondtoMod
./respondtoMod
modizel ./respondtoMod: .shakara: not found
iCandy hahahahaha! Modizel hahaha you're killing me here!!!!! OMG I'm rolling my belle!! Modizel omo ma pa mi!! btw there will always be .shakara o! I put it in every known directory Plus that script is an ENDLESS LOOP.. you know how I do but I like ur style omo
modizel likewise. to ba b'oni shakara pade, pasho to ma fi na e oje lon je..kilo she e pe o? shakara oloje ni, shakara oloje ni o, shakara oloje ni!
wait mek i come out of my dress
support modizel!! http://www.mp3.com/damask
I just can't explain why this is funny.... It makes me chuckle up to now.. and this was earlier in the day...
I have to admit I sound like a madwoman when I was laughing there right? my bad... I'm bush DEEP DEEP DEEP down inside. Also, I have no clue what he said in yoruba there... well I have some clue I think it's a song... don't understand it so if you know it email me and let me know.. I'm too ashamed to go and ask modizel.
anyway that was tha best part of my day.. well except for getting dissed twice in MSN and once in email. can u imagin?! a whole CANDY. I don't know why I'm letting things slide these days.....
I'm feeling SUPA guilty for not completing my site properly.. but you know what? it was taking toooooo long. I have other stuff to work on so with the site live I can move right along to te next time sapping project... I'm a glutton for punishment.
Talked to an e-pal glad to see she's still alive.. though I'm wondering about her site???? humph!! and they say I'm bad... it's all good though at least someone is enjoying the summer.
oooh!! and I sent my same friend hunting.. with a one word clue... that word was 'inchworm' I think she said she had a bunch of meetings to get to so I said don't be like the inchworm... she of course thinking I'm off my rocker.. but there is a method to my madness.. inchworm is a song by Rachelle Ferrell.... and the answer is in the lyrics. I wonder if she's reading this..?
anyway... comments will be added to the site soon... I guess I'll know then huh?! I'm off to sleep... taking a little break from the internet well at least 24hrs. I have to sort out my trip to the US asap.. I can't believe I'm missing summer jam..
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Saturday, July 06, 2002 | Illuminati want my mind, soul, and my body
Secret society, tryin to keep they eye on me
But I'm stay incogni', in places they can't find me
Make my moves strategically, the G.O.D.
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Friday, July 05, 2002 | my friend is seriously annoying me today! she's calling here cussing just because I dont answer my phone! what kinda ish is THAT? It's my phone! leave a message and I'll call back whenever the fok I feel like! shit! Why do people demand instant access when it's really a privilege and not a RIGHT. Last I checked I'm the only one incharge of me. I'm second only to God in regards to wtf I do.. so please!
It's not only her though... it's many other people. I find it disheartning that I start feeling guilty when people expect from me what they give and weren't asked for ( by me ). I wasn't in control of you giving it.. so how do you feel you're in control of getting it from me? I'm talking a load of crap right now.. but basically it's just annoying!
On a lighter note.. I'm expectig some good news tonight about that midterm situation. I hope I dont have to write that ish.. especially since finals are in 3 weeks! Jeez.. I just dont get some teachers.
Also... I think I better start looking into what I'm going to be doing with my self this august. I sincerly have no intention of staying home. that's for damn sure!
Wow.. I really let it all go on this poor blog dont I? I wonder if I should start a new one. I dont want it to seem like I'm insulting anyoen who might happen to read it... lol. I'm making progress on this site and I had some nice dodo today with some correct scrambled eggs. I can still taste it ( licks lips ) aside from the harrassing phone calls today has been a GOOD day.
I wonder what ________ is doing...
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